The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Class D(rama) Misdemeanor

Kandi loses her mind, gets embarrassed and apologizes; everyone else just loses their minds. Full stop.
Ep. 14 | Aired Feb 9, 2014

'Pillow Talk Part Deux: Kandi's Revenge' It's all fun and games until every single one of your friends, and also your fiancé, and probably most of the productions staff, gets hurt.


Everyone eventually escapes to their homes, and the next morning, the editors put together maybe the most stylistically creative scene in the show’s run. I call it RECAPPIN’ IN KITCHENS!

Kandi and Todd are in their kitchen rehashing the events of last night to a reasonably disgusted Carmon, while Cynthia and Peter join Gregg and Nene at their house, and Brandon goes to see Kenya at hers. They keep cutting between each kitchen conversation to helpfully recap what happened at the Pillow Talk party, but more importantly, to show how different everyone’s version of events is. Nene thinks it all started with Kenya getting up and “charging” toward Natalie; Kenya thinks Apollo’s attack on Brandon after Christopher Williams grabbed her arm is entirely to blame; and Kandi is just embarrassed about her loss of control and knows she needs to apologize. One of these things is not like the other.

Apollo and Phaedra’s kitchen roundup airs separately because they are currently living in their very own neighborhood of Delusionville. Phaedra walks through the door and recounts maybe the most character-specific version of a Very Bad No Good Terrible Day I’ve ever heard: “My sandals are broke, I didn’t do well on the test and I didn’t embalm any bodies.” Unfortunately, that day is about to get worse, because her husband recently beat a man up for mostly no reason and isn’t willing to accept any fault for it. Apollo all but says his face somehow ran into my fist when explaining that he was just trying to break up the fight, but “apparently whatever I tried to do wasn’t appropriate.” I have no time for this man's lawlessness.

**In this midst of all this darkness, we’re given a brief American Idol intermission to see Kandi and her team audition people for her musical. They show a lot of terrible singers, but nothing even comes close to the between-commercials segment that shows Porsha training up for her audition. Let’s just says she does some vocal exercises that would make me sell my body to science in order to be able to watch her full audition next week. Now that’s the kind of wholesome televised embarrassing behavior I can get behind!**

In a Continued Attack on Atlanta’s Local Businesses, Kandi has invited all of the women to a spa to regroup after all their fighting. Why? Why must these things be done in public? These women have never used an inside voice a day in their lives, and they’re certainly not going to start now, while they’re all at each other’s throats. The only upside of this setting is that they all have to wear some sort of spa-mandated cotton knit outfit that looks like my middle school P.E. uniform, and it is so universally unflattering, it makes me feel slightly vindicated for the two hours I’ve spent watching them scream at each other.

Best descriptions of rumored spa services:
“She said she thought they put their toes in her butt.” -Phaedra
“She sat on a pot and had her vajayjay cleaned.” -Nene

Kandi starts off the powwow by apologizing to everyone for her behavior. Color me shocked -- they can feel shame! She and Cynthia do go back and forth a little bit about what led to their fight, but they both agree to get past the drama. The same cannot be said for Nene and Kenya. Nene is convinced that the entire evening is Kenya’s fault because she "got out of [her] seat." Kenya isn’t willing to take all of the blame on her shoulders and says Brandon wouldn’t have done anything if Christopher Williams hadn’t touched her first, the forcefulness of which is unclear amongst the women.

As the argument escalates, the real problem seems to be that everyone has some sort of blame in the matter, and no one is willing to take ownership over an ounce of it, with the exception of Kandi’s apology for her temporary possession by a Hoodlum Spirit. As childlike as Porsha’s general demeanor is, her suggestion that they go around the tea table to say what they all could have done or not done to prevent Atlanta Pajama War II was a reasonable one. Perhaps a little backtracking might remind Nene that she was the one that suggested the Williams confront Kenya in front of everyone in the first place.

I don’t know if the whole melee can be pinpointed to one spark that started the fire, or one straw that broke the camel’s back, or any number of idioms. But I do think that you’ll have some ideas! So…Team Kenya? Team Nene? Team Get Me the Hell Away from These People? Can the women make it past such a huge blow up? And is there any chance at all Kenya makes it to season 7?

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