I was shocked – shocked, I tell you – to find that The Real Housewives of Atlanta was not airing last week due to the Super Bowl. Would they be crazy to go up against the biggest televised event all year? Of course. But as I’ve been recapping this show for a while now, I can tell you that it stops for nothing: not Hanukkah, not Christmas, not the Grammys; it just plows right on. I did appreciate the little break though, and tried to use my extra time appropriately by trying out a few other Bravo “reality shows” that I’ve mostly been avoiding. I just needed to be sure I wasn’t missing out on anything.
Consensus: Mostly, I was not. I caught a little Shahs of Sunset (surprisingly deep), Vanderpump Rules (so…they’re waiters…who sleep with each other – wait, is this a functional restaurant?) and Blood, Sweat and Heels (WHAT IS HAPPENING, SOMEONE HELP THAT WOMAN). And all I could really think about while jumping in on random episodes of those shows with no concept of the storyline was: What would someone think coming in on a standalone episode of RHOA? Oh, wait, I know exactly what they would think of last night’s episode: Messy. As. Hell.
This week’s episode picks up right where the last one left off, post-“Brawl on a Bean Bag Chair,” pre-“Round Two, and This Time with Feeling.” Everyone has different cast members on this show that they can or cannot stand, no matter what. For me, this episode was particularly hard to swallow because, while everyone – and I mean everyone – was in the wrong, some of my normal favorites were most wrong, and a few who I typically deem terrible were least wrong. On that note, if you’re ever not sure if you’re watching the Housewives franchise, just take a moment to pause and see if you’re ranking people by least-to-most wrong...yep, we're in the right place! On to the fighting.
I can’t understand why no one is trying to leave this Hyatt from Hell because, before you know it, Apollo escapes his confines and starts zombie marching straight back toward Brandon for round two. As Peter and Phaedra attempt to herd him back out, Nene – dressed in what is technically a dress, but structurally just a few scraps of lace – begins screaming at her pajama party guests that they are all “freaking” adults. “This is about asking questions and answering them!” Is that what it’s about? Because last week it kind of seemed like it was about bringing up everyone’s marital problems in front of a bunch of other people, but maybe this is really just a simple game of Never Have I Ever gone awry.
Porsha, somehow the only sane person at this event, knows a room full of demons when she sees it, and tells Nene she can keep her “hoodrat sh—,” she’s outta there. Take me with you, Porsha!
Christopher Williams, singer of songs, wearer of obnoxious Burberry shirts, wants to take this brief break in violence to talk about why he and his wife were upset with Kenya, re: her making accusations about their marriage. But Kandi’s not really trying to hear that, because she recently heard some things Natalie said about Todd and they seem to be along the same accusatory lines. Natalie insists that she never called Todd an opportunist (drink!), and repeats most of what she originally told Cynthia and Peter about Todd’s former relationship with her best friend. Kandi still wonders, though, why the message she’s been receiving is that Natalie implied Todd was an opportunist (drink!)?
Well, Kandi, if I were to answer your question, I would tell you it’s because Cynthia took what Natalie said, interpreted that she was calling Todd an opportunist (drink!), and then told everyone as much. But if Cynthia were to answer your question, she would get all up in your face, escalate the formerly calm conversation to a screaming match, wait for her husband to come in and start bellowing “YOU KNOW THE RULES” for no reason, and then let her awful sister push you and your fiancé in the name of “breaking things up.” And yes, that is exactly what she does. So, Kandi responds by losing her damn mind, causing Todd to have to forcibly remove her from the situation while she fights to get back to Mal and, I believe, “drag that hoe.” It’s a total mess and very unexpected out of Kandi (except for the previews we've been watching for months).
NEXT: If a fight happens in front of 20 people, can you really try to lie about it?