The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Pillow Fight

All hell breaks loose as Kenya exaggerates, Nene instigates, and Apollo initiates Beast Mode
Ep. 13 | Aired Jan 26, 2014

THE GLOVES ARE OFF Those gloves might have come in handy if Kenya had gotten her hands dirty, but the men of Atlanta did most of did most of the cat fighting this week.

Bravo

When the time for “Pillow Talk” actually arrives and people begin showing up, things get so much weirder than I could have imagined. Not only has Nene invited the core group, but also Mynique and her husband, Chuck, who has slept with just about every living thing in the room, and Natalie and Christopher Williams, who Kenya accused of not actually being married last week. Oh, and everyone pretty much has a nipple or a butt cheek out at all times. This should be delightful!

Nene sits everyone down on giant adult beanbags -- alright, those look pretty fun (and they certainly come in handy later) -- and inexplicably starts stomping up and down the room, making grand sexual proclamations. I mean, that hot mess doesn’t stop pacing the floor for the rest of the night, pivoting at every turn like it’s Ryan Murphy telling her The New Normal just got canceled over and over again. I don’t totally know what Kandi is implying when she says Nene seems “a little geeked up,” but I also 100 percent agree with her. And she just keeps seeming more geeked up as the night treks on and Kenya is still yet to arrive: “I am very mother f---ing irritated right now.”

To be fair, so is everyone else, because the “couples counseling” that Nene mentioned is actually just writing pointed questions on cards that apply awkwardly to individuals in the room and having everyone answer them out loud. About the time that Nene is telling Porsha not to be offended that she’s making her answer the “Would you care if your husband was bisexual?” question, Kenya and her annoying assistant Brandon finally show up. Nene berates her for a little while, before the conversation turns to whether the women are OK with their husbands going to strip clubs. A shocking few say they wouldn’t want their husbands to do that and Peter very diplomatically responds to those women, “Well, then you guys are whack as f--k.”

By some miracle, everything seems to be going along fine and settling into some sort of groove where you start to think this shindig might turn more toward Eyes Wide Shut territory, rather than Fight Club. But then Nene stands up, stomps to the front of the room and announces that last week, Kenya told Natalie that her “husband” had previously told her that were in a common-law marriage -- any thoughts on that, Christopher Williams?

Yes, Christopher does have some thoughts, and he chooses to start them with, “For one, I don’t know what kind of medication you’re on,” which really isn't the most mature move when you’re already standing in a room full of adults in pajamas. Kenya hops up and starts moving toward Natalie, so Christopher goes to stop her and absolutely nothing less than awful happens after that. When Christopher grabs Kenya, Brandon is immediately up and yelling, “DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON HER!” Then Peter is up out of nowhere pushing them apart. Apollo comes the most out of nowhere and slams Brandon down onto one of the beanbags by his neck. Apollo! Who has nothing to do with the common-law debacle, and has basically done nothing tonight except casually mention that he frequently drops eight Gs at the strip club (an unfortunately timed confession, considering Friday’s fraud charges).

Apollo starts trying to maybe end Brandon’s life while Kenya and Phaedra scramble to hold him back. Everyone else is occupied with keeping Christopher away…except Chuck. There’s a quick shot of him and Mynique cowering in a corner in such a manner that suggests, how the hell did we find ourselves here? Finally, every crew member in Atlanta jumps in to start pulling people apart and Apollo, Brandon and Christopher are separated. Nene goes to scream at Kenya for getting up out of her “G—damn seat” and ruining her super fun slumber party, and when Kenya goes to escape through the front door, we catch a glimpse of the mostly naked waitress Nene had hired to serve drinks, sitting on a cooler in the hallway, just waiting for the madness to end. And it makes me feel very, very sad.

The episode ends with Apollo escaping his restraints (including his wife) and making his way back toward Brandon. Trying to decide who is most in the wrong here seems a little fruitless considering everyone acted so awfully, but I’ve got to know…who do you think started this mess? And why did Apollo end up at the center of it? And finally, does this even hold a candle to the second mess that seems to be coming next week with the wrath of Kandi? I'm exhausted.

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