Did Red eventually find a way to get back at Vee -- or did she only gain control of the prison once Vee got out? (Also, how the hell did Vee get out of prison? Last I checked, "time off for evil behavior" wasn't a thing.) We don't know yet -- but we do know that no matter what she's been telling Gloria, Red still has plans to seize back her seat of power. She's already got her smuggling operation underway; now she needs to finally win back the trust of her old prison family, a.k.a. Litchfield's white women. (We've seen multiple scenes this year featuring all the show's main Latina or black castmates in one place; Red's deposing means that the group scene this episode is the first time all season the white ladies have gathered in a similar manner.)
Some bribery, a quick kitchen stickup courtesy of the Golden Girls -- who, lest we forget, are actually some of the scariest women in this place, since most are violent criminals who have only been transferred to minimum security to serve out the end of their sentences -- and finally, Red gets the other thing she's wanted all season: a family reunion. What's more, because Red has finally realized that it's time to actually apologize for her actions, it seems like things might actually be getting back to normal.
Until a shocking betrayal indicates that Red's family dinner may have actually been a last supper. The Judas: Big Boo, who happened to be seated right above the grate Red's been using to sneak in contraband. She sells out her sister for a 10 percent cut of Vee's cigarette operation -- not knowing, perhaps, that she's also handed Vee a way to bring something even more insidious into Litchfield.
That's right: Some way, somehow, Vee's managed to get heroin into the prison. What's worse, she's got Taystee pushing it on drug offenders like Nicky. And what's worse still is that in building up her own drug-dealing family, she might just have irrevocably shattered the bond between soulmates Taystee and Poussey. T's been so utterly warped by Vee that she's passing on the smack without remorse; watching her, P looks utterly destroyed. It's all so upsetting that I'd like to just put it aside for the moment and move instead to the night's other major betrayal.
Last episode, Pornstache strutted back into Litchfield like the cock of the walk. This episode, he immediately starts swinging his... weight around, lobbing racism and misogyny and shots around like some sort of Jerkbot 2000. His actions of course rub a few people the wrong way -- namely, Bennett, who's still smarting from Mendez's trick tryst with Daya last season. Long story short: The guard formerly known as "good guy" flips out on the prisoners in an unsuccessful show of brute masculinity -- he has to be calmed down by Pornstache himself, which just adds insult to injury -- then decides that even though Daya has explicitly asked him not to, he's going to tell Caputo that Mendez is the father of her baby. Upon first hearing the lie, Caputo lights up like a chronic masturbator who's just seen high-speed internet for the very first time. Remember that stuff I said about season 2's endgame? Yeah: It's on.
- Oh yeah, about the event that gives this recap its name: Piper's kooky brother and his starchild wife decide to hijack Grandma Celeste's funeral in order to hold their own wedding. It's weird! It's also another cool example of endings and beginnings coexisting, something in which Orange specializes. Mostly, though, it's just weird.
- Bell, putting Piper through her paces in the most disgusting way possible: "You can do better than that. Shake out that pink!"
- How does O'Neill remember his whole pre-furlough spiel? He sings it to the tune of "Pokerface," of course. By Lady Gaga. Maybe you've heard of her?
- Uh-oh: Piper makes good on her word and visits Red's family's market, only to find a "For Lease" sign in the window. So how are the Reznikov kids funding Mom's contraband operation?
- In one of the episode's more amusing tangents, Healy goes into therapy -- then self-medicates by stealing his therapist's words for a one-on-one with Pennsatucky, which makes him feel powerful and in control again for once. You can't spell "sympathetic" without "pathetic"!
- In the most amusing tangent, Vee tries to ingratiate herself with Rosa by offering her a copy of The Fault in Our Stars. Try telling her some infinities are bigger than other infinities. Go on, try.
- Which sex scene was more awkward: Piper and Larry's aborted funeral quickie, or Daya and Bennett's broom closet hand job?
- Red, subtly warning Bennett not to eff with her: "You're going to make a great father."
- The black prisoners' head honcho when Vee arrived back in prison was an intimidating lady named Rhonda. Vee somehow got her banished to max -- what do you think she did? (And could the same fate befall Red?)
- Brook's going on a hunger strike. Raise your hand if you're rooting for hunger. (Although I did like her assessment of Pornstache: "like Burt Reynolds, but more rapey.")