NEXT: "All this pee hole business. Like, what the f--- else don't I know?"
Much of the rest of the episode is also concerned with exploring these characters', uh, hidden depths -- particularly in a running plot that has the prisoners learning the finer points of female anatomy. (None of the natural-born women really have a clue what's going on between their legs; Sophia, who spent her entire life wishing she had a woman's body to take for granted, is an expert. Figures.) Orange is too smart and prickly to posit prison as a vehicle toward self-discovery -- or, as poor idiot Brook puts it, "community and girl power and stuff." Still, there is some element of that idea at work here—when you've got literally nothing but time on your hands, you may as well use some of that time to get acquainted with your own vagina. Or a bunch of other people's vaginas, if you're Nicky and Boo. (The two have decided to compete to see who can bang more girls. I know who I'm putting my money on.)
Naturally, not all this depth-plumbing -- literal and figurative -- has a pleasant outcome. Take Brook, for instance: Even after Piper's snarling "I'm a lone wolf" monologue, she's still convinced that Chapman is destined to be her prison bestie. But when she looks beneath the surface of Piper's nonthreatening whiteness, she finds something ugly: a woman who'd rather pimp Brook out for a blanket than be her friend. Brook has quickly become Litchfield's most annoying presence, but it's tough not to feel for her in this moment. (Not to mention the moment when Nicky, who's had it with Brook's incessant chattering, ends up sitting on her new lover's face just to shut the girl up.)
Wait, speaking of feelings: Poussey and Taystee! Poussey and Taystee!! Their easy, warm friendship has long been one of Orange's most delightful facets -- but in this episode, we learn that there's been another level to it all along. Specifically: P's in love with T. T, unfortunately, doesn't share those feelings.
Suddenly, we can't see them as the best of platonic pals anymore. There's a hidden tension there, one that can't help but taint the purity of their bond. Part of me wishes Poussey could realize that they're not destined to be together, or at least keep her true feelings to herself; another part of me wishes Taystee had a gay bone in her body, because a romance wouldn't necessarily ruin their relationship -- it's got potential to make it even stronger. Either way, this situation is primed to cause some serious angst both for the parties involved and for Orange fans... and judging by the look Vee gives the two when she catches the pair cuddling, the dynamic duo's days of carefree palling may be over soon. Psst, Vee: If you tear these two apart just to shore up your own power, I will end you. (Kidding. Don't hurt me, please.)
- Red is still adrift, shunned by both the majority of the inmates and her old pal Caputo, who blames her for the drugs that hit Litchfield last season. A sure sign of her declining authority: For the first time in who knows how long, Red has been assigned a bunkmate (Piper). Caputo invites her to kick back and enjoy retirement; instead, she decides to launch a new gardening program with the Golden Girls in Litchfield's decrepit old greenhouse. One that's got a tantalizing grate underneath its floorboards. Wait a tick -- is Red plotting an escape from prison?
- Another example of hidden depths: The snotty kid who sits next to Rosa in the chemo ward is surprised and sort of delighted to learn that she's actually a prisoner. And not just any ordinary prisoner -- a serial bank robber!
- Vee wants to be Taystee's surrogate mother, but she's sounding a lot more like her creepy ex-boyfriend: "[Poussey] doesn't know you like I do."
- Not only is Vee breaking up Taystee and Poussey, she's also trying to turn P's hooch hobby into a business. That's gonna end well.
- I can't be the only person disappointed that the joke Rosa told the teen had nothing to do with penguins and eggplants.
- Litchfield's movie night entertainment: The Secret to My Success, in which Michael J. Fox gets ahead by pretending to be somebody else. I'll let you draw the thematic connection yourselves.
- Caputo's plants have a "mealy bug infestation" -- a metaphor for Litchfield's sorry, deteriorating physical state, or is that too easy?
- The way Morello says "Christofuh" gives me serious Sopranos/Adriana flashbacks.
- Boo's final assessment of Piper: "You know, she's right, Chapman. You're a horrible person." Agree/disagree? Please have your essays on my desk by 10 a.m. tomorrow.
- Today in Larry: Are Larry and Polly going to have a boring affair? Survey says: Probably!