Hook has a whole crew of hardened baddies under his command -- but just to keep things interesting, he decides to win back the Jolly Roger with only William "Wormtail" Smee and Ariel in tow. (And Ariel's only there because of a technicality in the Pirate Code, which evidently has more to it than Parlay.) Perhaps unsurprisingly, it's all too easy for the trio to (barely) fight their way onboard -- where we're introduced to Once's take on Blackbeard, who might more accurately be called Black Soul Patch. He is the Smash Mouth of pirates, only with Jack Sparrow's hair, Adam Lambert's makeup artist, and some admittedly badass moves with a blade.
There are swords; there is fighting. And when Hook manages to get Soul Patch stuck in the gap left by a loose board, there is victory. Well, at least until Ariel comes running up and informs her new pal that Prince Eric is actually nowhere to be found. Where could he be? Soul Patch knows, but he's not telling; in fact, he says, he'll only spill the prince's location if Hook hands over the Jolly Roger for good, thereby proving that his love for an icky, cootie-ridden girl has transformed him into a decent human being.
So of course Hook lets Soul Patch have the ship -- at least for now -- and goes with Ariel to find her blue-eyed number one babe, right? Wrong! Next thing you know, Hook's celebrating Shark Week by putting Soul Patch on the menu. Ariel is understandably peeved. She tells Hook that he's a
shellfish selfish, heartless meanie who doesn't even look that good without his Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil, then dives straight into Shark City to search for Eric herself.
The femme fishtale resurfaces -- literally -- in present-day Storybrooke, where we learn that she either lost track of Eric once more or never found him again in the first place. Thankfully, Snow and Charming have the perfect solution: Just take Ariel to Hook, who isn't suffering from memory loss and may be able to help her locate her beau. The pirate lies that he hasn't seen Eric, acting so carefully nonchalant that he's practically sticking his hands in his pockets and whistling a devil-may-care tune.
NEXT: When Once met Heathers