Once Upon a Time recap: Hold Me Closer, Tiny Giant

Emma, Rumpelstiltskin, and Henry skip town just in time to miss a certain Hurley-burly beast's rampage
Ep. 13 | Aired Feb 10, 2013

HEY, BIG SPENDER Speeeeeend a little time not trying to squish people.

Jack Rowand/ABC

But vengeance for what, exactly? It takes four more flashbacks to reveal the whole story, but here's the gist: Jack and James are, of course, using Anton. After promising to give them treasure, the giant shows them where the beanstalk was -- because before that, the stalk was totally inconspicuous? -- allowing the couple to bring an army into the giants' cloud city. (We never see this army, because Once's budget could use some of that giant treasure.) A war ensues; all the giants save Anton are killed by the poisoned swords the humans carry. Jack, too, doesn't survive, which explains why Emma and Hook discovered her bones among the giants' treasure. As Hurley might say: bummer, dude.

Back in Storybrooke, Anton's in full-blooded rage mode. He almost calms down when Snow tells him that Emma, the woman who once saved his life, is her daughter -- but when the princess has to admit that Emma is, uh, kinda out of town, Anton begins raging anew, unable even to appreciate the perfect way Ginnifer Goodwin delivered that line. And then, as they're fleeing the giant, Grumpy and Charming have this immortal exchange:

Grumpy: “So you got a twin brother? Whose name is James? But your name is James!”
Charming: "Actually, it’s not."
Grumpy: ”Charming, then?”
Snow: "No, that’s a nickname I gave him.
Grumpy: "So what the hell is your name?”
Charming: "David!”
Grumpy: "Your cursed name?”
Charming: "My real name!”
Grumpy: "What, you’re David, James, and Charming? David’s like, a middle name?”
Charming: "No, it’s my name name!”
Grumpy: "You know what? I’ll call you whatever I damn well please!”

Let's pause to allow that to sink in.

Sunk enough? Great: back to the chase scene. Charming -- or should I say David? -- finally tells Anton that he'll turn himself over if the giant agrees to spare everyone else in town. Anton agrees and bounds forward to claim his prize, stomping down so hard that he creates a giant hole in the asphalt. Unfortunately, Regina's wacky mushroom chooses this very moment to wear off. Anton shrinks back down to human size, clinging to a broken Super Mario pipe within the hole for dear life. It's up to the rest of the townspeople -- and, primarily, Charming -- to save him from certain doom.

Once he's out of the ground, Storybrooke's infinitely forgiving townsfolk forget that Anton just tried to murder them all and bring him to Granny's, where they share some beers. To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems! As it turns out, it's a good thing they didn't let Anton fall to his death -- because right before he died, Papa Giant Arlo gave the sole surviving giant a preserved beanstalk clipping. (Note: I'm calling him that because he seems to be the Papa Smurf of the giant crew, not because he's actually Anton's father.) Once it's planted, magic beans can be harvested once more. And once those beans are harvested, Storybrooke's finest (and least fine) can use them to finally go home.

As long as Cora doesn't get to the stash first. Which you know she totally will.

NEXT: Fee fi fo fum, I smell breadcrumbs

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