Jess [in the mirror to herself]: Hey, tiger! You're having sex tonight. [Looks nervous.] Don't give me that look, just do it! [High fives mirror.]
Jess: You know what? Tomorrow night -- let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other. [Points at him, then herself] V-bomb on the P-bomb! Pow!
Paul: I would have the P-bomb, right?
Nick: I'm not going to a black barber shop, Winston. I've seen the movies. I know how fast they talk. I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.
Schmidt: Want to go to my salon?
Schmidt: I gotta cram for this baby shower. Can I have my computer back?
Jess: I've been watching porn. I found your red folder.
Schmidt: How long you been doing that for? Are you okay?
Jess: Five... and a half hours? [Flash forward as Winston and Nick join Jess and Schmidt around the computer -- from which we hear the sound of winnying]
Winston: Wow. You went deep, Jess. Real deep.
Jess: I'm freaking out, okay? I need all of you to sit in front of me and tell me what guys like in bed. Right now.
Winston: What do you want to know?
Jess: Okay, when you're... if you're in the... if you're holding the... start over! Um... when you reach... completion?
Schmidt: Yeah, that was bad.
Nick [steps away for a minute]: I can't do this, Jess!
Schmidt: Guys want to be whisked away. They want to be enchanted.
Nick: Just take your clothes off, Jess.
Jess: Do you think Paul would be into something like that [shows a porn scene]?
Schmidt: A little light choking? I'm willing to bet Paul is into some pretty dark stuff.
Jess: Light choking, really?
Nick: No one's doing that.
Schmidt: You know what, Nick? Maybe you're hooking up with the wrong kind of girl.
Nick: Apparently I'm hooking up with the right girls, Schmidt, because they don't choke me.
Schmidt: Nick is meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. Winston and I...
Winston: Don't want to be a part of this!
Schmidt: ...we're sushi.
Schmidt: Hey, ladies. What are you guys talking about?
Schmidt: Afterbirth. That's, like, the party you guys have after you have the baby?
Gina: Sort of.
Schmidt: I'd like to be invited to that. You know what they say -- "An afterbirth ain't an afterbirth without some Schmidt up in there!"
Barber shop guy [to Nick]: Boy, your hair looks like a high-rise! Where's the penthouse at?
Nick: Hey, old man, what'd did you steal those pants off of Danny Glover's grandfather?
Barber shop guy: I am Danny Glover's grandfather.
Nick [anxious pause, mumbles]: I'm a big fan of his work, he's great in the Lethal Weapons...
Barber shop guy: No I'm not!
So what did you think, Newbies? Was this the funniest episode yet? Did you miss Nick at all when Jess and Paul were having the most awkwardly hilarious foreplay ever? Is there some seriously hot hate sex in store for Schmidt and Beth? Do you hope they extend Justin Long's contract? What was your favorite bit or line of the night?