Image credit: Ray Mickshaw/Fox
PINK WINE MAKES ME SLUTTY! Hoping to ease pre-coital anxiety, Jess tells Paul "I just love, like... everything that's erotic"
Meanwhile, Nick resisted getting a haircut because it was "too intimate" ("You're trapped. They're standing behind you with their hands in your hair, and they expect you to talk back!"). And he wondered why people were loath to take his sexual advice... or any advice from him at all. He made it through about half of a YouTube tutorial on cutting one's own hair before realizing the guy in the video was doomed to slice his head open and violently spurt brain blood all over the wall ("I was wondering why it had so many views"). Ultimately, Winston convinced him to go to his barber shop, resulting in Nick rocking a Vanilla Ice circa 1990 fade.
Elsewhere, Schmidt tried to compete with his ball-busting coworker-slash-female equivalent Beth (Eva Amurri) for a promotion by wangling his way into the baby shower of his boss Gina (SNL alum Michaela Watkins). The gift that would keep on giving? A portable breast pump ("You're out there in every day life... just milkin' away" -- there were hand motions for this, by the way). It goes without saying that Schmidt and baby showers weren't exactly a perfect fit. To wit, his toast referenced the baby's "journey... through Gina and out into the light." Yikes.
When Beth tried to steal his thunder, Schmidt harkened back to his college days (he was in two frats, natch) and turned the celebration of life into a Rihanna-backed rager: "We're all gettin' drunk, tonight! Except for you, Gina. Horribly irresponsible!" (Seeing Schmidt being showered with candy from a giant-sized baby bottle was worth the price of admission alone.) As with any frat party, someone had to get knocked into the pool. And it was Gina... by Schmidt. You'd think that would be a fatal blow to his professional standing, but you'd be wrong. Gina was having the time of her life! Schmidt happens, y'all. (And, since one of his coworkers took a bleary-eyed walk of shame through the apartment the next morning, it's safe to guess that he added another item to the hook-up lost and found.)
NEXT: Lots of really, really bad sex advice