Image credit: Ray Mickshaw/Fox
PINK WINE MAKES ME SLUTTY! Hoping to ease pre-coital anxiety, Jess tells Paul "I just love, like... everything that's erotic"
In preparation for her big night, Jess went shopping for underlovelies with CeCe. It quickly became clear this was a bridge to nowhere when she used a pair of panties as a bonnet to imitate Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice and when CeCe recollected teenage Jess listening to NPR Lewinskygate coverage for sex info. Nonetheless, Jess managed to leave the store with a bit of Kiss of the Spider Woman's mise en scene repurposed as lingerie by way of Cher's 1986 Oscars ensemble. It was improbably called the Starfish, prompting Jess to yo ho ho, "I hope Paul is packing some coral polyps 'cause this starfish is hoooongry."
Upon returning home, Jess stumbled upon the "red folder" on Schmidt's laptop and spent much of the afternoon falling down the rabbit hole, pornographically speaking (to a soundtrack of chainsaws and horse whinnies... ohhhhh, Schmidt!). Her main take-away? "That young lady can really multi-task." Seeing what's out there these days, Jess became concerned that Paul would expect her to be able to... ummm... multi-task. Since her repertoire had included precisely four moves since George W. Bush was president -- including a 1980s hair metal video girl head swoosh and what appeared to be a seal clap -- she turned to the guys for a crash tutorial. They gave her a calamity of mixed messages. Whereas Schmidt (he who uses body gelato) preferred a more romantic approach, Nick was straightforward ("take off your clothes").
The lesson inevitably devolved into an indictment of Nick's sexual skill, stemming from the revelation that he barely got his pants off his first time and Schmidt's accusation that Nick having sex with Caroline sounded like "a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner." With seconds to go before Paul arrived, Jess did ascertain that flicking is not okay and was advised to explore role play. Unfortunately for Paul, her only voice was "old-timey newscaster: 'Hey there, son, I'm gonna kick ya into next Tuesday, seeeee?'" Then Paul arrived, and Jess went into her room to put on the Starfish (over her decidedly unsexy stripe-y underwear, of course) and hop around like a bunny... because that's sexy?
NEXT: Paul Bunyan in a porno?