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NEW GUY That's pronounced "Ginz-linger," if you please
Since the gang was out of walnuts, Jess urged Nick to drive Paul (who was tipsy from two pumpkin ales) to the store. Along the way, Nick learned that Paul is also prone to bursting into song, they exchanged some riveting patter about the weather, and Paul managed to insult Nick about 14 times in the space of a minute before pointing out his local photocopy shop. Thrilling stuff. Suffice it to say, by the time they returned to the apartment, Paul had an inkling that Nick wasn't his biggest fan. Not unlike their relationship, the turkey went up in flames seconds later. Schmidt sprinted to the dryer like he was auditioning for Backdraft: The Musical, removing his shirt and fanning the plumes of smoke wildly. Once he had saved the turkey, the other guys joined in, but the smoke soon took over the whole apartment. Schmidt: "It's like a Prince video in here!" (And later, "My Lasik eye is freaking out!")
Jess saved the day by using her key to the apartment of the next door neighbor, Ms. Beverly. Once the others headed in, Jess slammed the door in front of Nick and called him out for being rude to Paul. Nick insisted he was learning all about Paul -- how else would know he likes Air Bud 2? (Note that Nick's list of facts about Paul would probably overlap significantly with his list of reasons to hate Paul.) More to the point, Nick wondered why Jess would care if he likes Paul since Nick wouldn't be the one sleeping with him. That was all Jess needed to go off. What followed was a masterful improvisational riff on sex delivered by Zooey Deschanel. It was quintessential Jess -- a wacky, utterly misguided attempt to summon every scrap of Karma Sutra or Urban Dictionary she'd ever heard. "I want to sleep with him! Big time! ... I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay? ... I want to do it standing up and sitting down and half up and half down, the Wiggly One and the Bear Attack and the claws and the head stuff that the figure skaters do and the Woods for Lunch and the 'Give Me That Hat!'..." Winding down (or just running out of made-up sex positions), Jess defiantly told Nick she didn't care what he thought. He shot back, "Then why did you ask me?" Needless to say, everyone else could totally hear everything she said. Paul stood there, equal parts agasp and agog, as Schmidt gave him the thumbs-up.
Despite the fact that he had a sure bet on his hands (which was even more obvious when Jess weakly lied that she and Nick were rehearsing a new play called Big Time), Paul was concerned about the blatant sexual tension between Nick and Jess. She assured him there was nothing there, which wasn't strictly a lie since she is in full-on denial. He said his piece to Nick ("At this point in my life, you will never hate me as much as you hate yourself") and told Jess he would like to see her again... big time.
Schmidt eventually salvaged Hank Sgiving. Everyone gathered around the table, and Schmidt asked Paul to play his violin for them. While Jess recited lines from the school Thanksgiving play, Paul retreated to the back of the apartment for dramatic effect. When he came running at the gang, screaming like a girl, "Dead body! Dead body!" Jess took a minute to register that these were not, in fact, lines from the play. Sure enough, Ms. Beverly was a goner. The ambulance came, and the gang sent a traumatized Paul on his way home... in the very same elevator carrying the days-old corpse.
Some hours later, Paul regained his composure and caught up with the roommates in the pre-sale line at Best Buy. He played a fiddle ditty for Jess, gave the guys footlong sandwiches, and all was right in the world. At least until some jackhole freaked out that Paul was cutting in the line. In a tacit stamp of approval, Nick sacrificed his spot in line to Paul. But he didn't head to the back alone in the end. Jess and Paul joined him in solidarity, and the others followed. As the dorks in love began belting out a spontaneous song, Schmidt declared, "It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better." Even Nick couldn't suppress a knowing, affectionate laugh at that one.
NEXT: Dudesgiving is definitely on the sexy holiday list