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OH NO YOU SCHMIDT-N'T Rumors of Baby Schmidt's birth were greatly exaggerated.
Cece isn't pregnant; Jess talks her boyfriend's teen daughter off the ledge of a Nick crush| Published Apr 18, 2012
The above quote pretty much summed up the entire cast of characters of New Girl -- especially during this episode, which saw yet more heartening-yet-horrifying Cece-Schmidt weirdness, more Nick pretending college girls satisfied him, and more Jess attempting to handle adult responsibilities. In this case, the "adult responsibilities" came in the form of Russell's teenage daughter, who was -- not unlike myself -- a ginger who must be stopped. To her credit, she did manage to single out the acting philosophy of this show: "It's like Gossip Girl, only everyone is old and poor."
Long story short, Jess met Russell's ex (Jeanne Tripplehorn), who was in the habit of referring to Russell as her "husband" and thus blurring the already unclear divorced-versus-not-divorced status of their relationship. It was all so Jess could take care of Russell's daughter Sarah for the weekend. (Apparently when both parents are unavailable the girlfriend of a few weeks is the de facto guardian?) Despite Nick's attempt to leverage his "I hang out with underage girls who know about Banksy" coolness, Sarah deemed Nick's eyes "so brown -- like poop." In fact, it was just a complex teenage ruse to hide Sarah's crush on Nick, who was busy dating "mature and interesting" girls named Chloe. Even as Jess insisted Nick was "dirty and weird," Sarah wouldn't be placated.
Another someone who wouldn't be placated? Cece. She was freaking out that she might be knocked up, especially considering how birth control in Schmidt's world was "like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane." As Jess tried to calm Cece, Schmidt mistakenly thought they were conspiring to make Jess the third vertex of their love triangle. Father material, folks! In fact, they were pondering the ridiculosity of a Baby Schmidt. Jess and Cece's vision: "Would he be, like, nursing 24 hours a day?" Schmidt's version: "I was break dancing at 8 months old. They say that I needed a magnum-size diaper." I don't even know what that means -- except... gross.
Even without knowing Cece might be with child, Schmidt sensed a tonal shift and offered to take Cece on a proper date. And by "proper," I mean Italy on Ice ("Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, but they're not liable if she doesn't"). This only served to stress out Cece more. She urged Schmidt to invite another girl to enjoy Schmidt's pappacorn -- that's "popcorn" in Italian. Natch, he fake-called Nick -- Nickole, if you're nasty. Choice lines: "You takin' care of that tushy for me?" Nick: "I'm not doing squats if anything... I'm trying to eat less donuts."
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