New Girl recap: 'L'chaim! To Humping,' or A Sexual Snowflake

Schmidt and CeCe canoodled, Jess confronted a school bully, and Nick killed a cactus and his relationship in a matter of hours
Ep. 14 | Aired Feb 21, 2012

THE KEY OF LEARNING Jess hoped to end schoolyard intimidation through musical education... you can guess how well that went

Patrick McElhenney/Fox

Notable dotables:

Nick [about Schmidt's latest hook-up]: What's wrong with her? She have a hunchback?
Winston: Dwarf parts?
Schmidt: She happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman.
Nick: Is she another one of your heavy gingers, Schmidt? [Laughing.]
Winston: How big are her knuckles? [More laughing.]
Jess: Does she have a Hitler mustache?
Everyone goes silent.
Jess: I'm sorry, it's just... like, I want to banter with you guys in the morning. I just, like, panicked, and I made a Hitler joke, I'm sorry.

Schmidt: Why can't we just go upstairs for a little Schmidt-and-Spin?
CeCe: You just said that everybody's upstairs in the living room.
Schmidt: Okay, fine. What about your place?
CeCe: My place is not an option right now. All the models are there. It's 12 models in two rooms. It's like a room full of hungry Russians.
Schmidt: Uh, yes! Please. Let's go there.
CeCe: What about some good old-fashioned car sex?
Schmidt: I can't do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.
CeCe: Are we going to do this or not? Because I kind of need this to happen right now. Isn't there, like, a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we can use?
Schmidt: What do I look like, a gypsy courtesan?

CeCe: I want you to know that was the last time. This is over.
Schmidt: But we haven't even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp-aged cheddar, mmmhmmm... Manchego... maybe some buttery Gruyère... you sure you want to miss out? I just want to slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.
CeCe: What are you even saying?
Schmidt: How about a little stinky Taleggio?
CeCe: Why is this working? I am so turned on right now!
Schmidt: Or maybe some cream cheese? Want some schmear CeCe? [CeCe leaves the room, sees Jess sitting in the living room, and flees to Schmidt's room.] Wanna party with Havarti?

Schmidt: The song is called "Let Me Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Hmmmm, catchy...
Winston: I mean, the title is flawed, there's no question about that, but you are kicking ass with the comments! [High fives Jess.] Look at this --"This teacher is muy caliente!"
Jess: Hot hot hot!
Winston: "I'd like to grade her on a curve!"
Jess: Yep!
Winston: "Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."
Jess: Finally!
Schmidt: Jess, these commenters are all you, aren't they?
Jess: Yes. Yes they are.

What did you think, Newbies? Where did this episode stack up for you? Did you think mopey Nick was funny, or did you find him just as off-putting as Julia? Were you sad to see her go? Would you fear for the future if Jess were teaching your children? Do you wanna party with Havarti?

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