New Girl recap: 'L'chaim! To Humping,' or A Sexual Snowflake

Schmidt and CeCe canoodled, Jess confronted a school bully, and Nick killed a cactus and his relationship in a matter of hours
Ep. 14 | Aired Feb 21, 2012

THE KEY OF LEARNING Jess hoped to end schoolyard intimidation through musical education... you can guess how well that went

Patrick McElhenney/Fox

This episode of New Girl brought to you by black tar heroin! Because that's the sweet, sweet nectar to which Schmidt compared himself after some particularly vigorous sexytimes with CeCe. Schmidt himself (a.k.a. Max Greenfield) warned me that the coital coupling "[would] not go away immediately," and he really wasn't kidding! The episode's biggest conundrum was how Schmidt could obscure the fact, even though he didn't want to at all, that CeCe was the bump to his grind. Sure, there was a whole story line about Nick's broken heart and yet another featuring Jess face down a tween tormentor, but really it was all about Schmidt per usual -- including but not limited to an awesomely obscene extended cheese metaphor and a repeat Parkour reference. Before that, though...

It all began after the aforementioned sexin' in which CeCe "was like a canoe [on Schmidt's] body river." He declared, "Schmidt-le and the Damage Done' -- Neil Young, yo." The sun was up, and CeCe knew she had to get out of the apartment ASAP. Schmidt donned his 'mono and just barely got her out before his nosey emerged from their rooms. More than anything, they were proud/flabbergasted Schmidt had actually slept with the same girl more than once. (Jess: "Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some kind of disguise?") There was also a whole subplot (in Winston's mind) about being Schmidt's DL gay lover who was keen on mutual shaving. We'll just... uh... yeah. At any rate, there were much funnier moments in this particular exchange, like flashbacks of Schmidt "accidentally" leading his hook-ups to the others' rooms so he could do victory lunges and shimmies and high kicks behind her. Love. Max. Greenfield.

Despite Schmidt's deluge of "junk mail" (a.k.a. penis texts), CeCe couldn't quit him. In the most far-fetched New Girl moment of all time, Schmidt actually distracted Jess and Winston by telling them to look out the window at a crescent moon. (Winston: "I'm gonna live up there some day..." Then vote Gingrich!) Things came to a head when CeCe refused to take Schmidt into a party because she was ashamed of him. Schmidt agreed to play her game if she would promise to go to breakfast in public with him the next day. CeCe reluctantly agreed before cracking a window and leaving her "sex dog" Schmidt to sit alone in the car for the next 20 minutes, panting at pretty ladies who passed by.

The next morning, CeCe took Schmidt to a restaurant that inspired him to ask, "Are we even in L.A. anymore?" Despite her strong front, CeCe let it slip that she was used to guys showing her off like a trophy. Schmidt then delivered a genuinely sweet, amusingly anachronistic speech: "I want to tell people because I think that you are the dopest, flyest, smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time." Satisfied with his sincerity, CeCe allowed Schmidt to tell the whole restaurant (patronized exclusively by geriatric Asians) that he was having sex with her... "to completion." After which he of course took it too far by rebounding against the wall and doing push-ups and jumping jacks. Parkour!

NEXT: Brown Lightning!

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