Schmidt: Ugh! Damp towel! It's like a really big Wet-Nap. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You're too humid, you make everything damp.
Jess: Eighty percent of the products in here are yours.
Schmidt: Blah, blah, blah, yawn. Yes, I use sculpting chut-i-ney.
Jess: Can you help me?
Julia: I can try. You never know, a judge might buy into this whole thing?
Jess: What whole thing?
Julia: Your whole thing, with the cupcakes and the braking for birds and [sing-speaking] "bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning!" thing
Jess: Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing...
Julia: It's a great thing! I mean, the big, beautiful eyes -- like a scared baby. I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.
Jess: Yeah. Except my peripheral vision's like almost too good.
Julia: So living here must be fun. Are there, like, lots of girls coming out of this place?
Jess: Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s -- he accepts everyone.
Sadie: I think I know what she meant. I mean, you do like girly stuff. It kind of freaked me out at first. When I met you, you were wearing a hat made of ribbons.
Jess: My ribbon hat! I love that hat!
Nick: What did Julia do wrong?
Jess: It's just how girls fight sometimes. There's a lot unsaid. Like, one time a girl said to me, "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."
Sadie: How did she say it?
Jess [judge-wudgey voice]: "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots..."
CeCe: That is diabolical!
Jess: And it ruined our friendship. I couldn't get over the Polka Dot Incident.
Schmidt [interrupts the conversation]: Warning! Spoiler alert! Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier to plug in their flat iron. I will be putting my dehumidifier and my towel in my room where nothing ever gets wet.
Everyone [in their heads]: No comment. Teehee.
Nick: I'm not good at being a boyfriend. I'm good at being that guy who you find yourself spending more and more time with until you meet your husband.
Jess: All right. So, so far Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships...
Nick: And blueberries.
Nick: You're dating other people? I'm seeing other people, too.
Julia: Good, good.
Nick: I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver.
Julia: I have had to start carrying, like, athletic shoes in my purse because I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another. Can't wear heels!
Nick: Well I'm having sex right now. Under the bar. And she's on top. So figure that out!
Julia: I see what you're doing. I know that I'm the mean lawyer girl who wears suits and works too much. And you, you're the really fun teacher girl with all the colorful skirts, and you bake things, and eventually Nick is going to come running to you, and you'll tuck him in under blankie.
Jess: What is it with you and the blankie thing? I never said the word blankie! I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin!
Julia: If I acted like you act when I'm at work, nobody would listen to me.
Jess: Well if I acted like you at work, my students would turn in really weird, dark dioramas, so...
Jess's awesome "I am a girly-girl, hear me roar" monologue:
Okay, hey! I have something to say to you, man! I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children, and I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person. That's just weird, and it freaks me out! I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit, and I wish it had ribbons on it -- or just something to make it slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong! I'm about to go pay this $800 fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!
Schmidt: Hey, anyone? My towel! Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape. The bigger towel. Do not touch the smaller one! [No one helps him, so he runs out to the den, where the girls are sitting.] Okay, I left my towel in my room, nobody look. Nobody look, yo, nobody look! Seriously, no one's looking? All right, forget it... [Slips, takes a pratfall, and flashes the girls.] Damn it!
Sadie: See, he's a natural blond!
CeCe: What shape is that supposed to be shaved into?
Jess: I think he's trying to force perspective.
Schmidt: Ha ha, very funny. I gotta get something off my chest [drops towel as girls groan].
CeCe: Schmidt, there is an apron right over there, go cover yourself!
Jess: You are Jewish!
Sadie: You're making me gayer!
Schmidt's sex rant:
Six months ago, I thought getting a girl roommate would mean sex all the time. Definitely with her friends and probably with her! Are there women here? Yeah, sure, more than ever. But you [points at Jess], not gonna happen. You [points at CeCe], I will never give up! And you [points at Sadie], well you sample from the gumbo pot. I am a damp bathroom full of naked women every day, and I hate it! It's like a nightmare. I'm in a watermelon-themed apron with a [reaches into the pocket and pulls out] a tampon? Why would you need this for cooking?
Schmidt: Quick question for you [Sadie] -- as a lesbian gynecologist, perhaps one of these days, the two of us could sit down and talk about OSI.
Sadie: What is OSI?
Schmidt: Our Shared Interest.
What did you think, Newbies? Are you excited about Shelby, the first girl on the show who doesn't seem like a bizarro version of Jess but actually a real (and, thus far, cool) girl? Did you like seeing Jess turn sassy and actually stand up for herself? Did Julia's Rooney Mara-esque aloofness rub you the wrong way? What do you hope to see from Julia in her upcoming episodes?