'Modern Family' recap: Scent of a Man

On this week's Modern Family, it was time for our favorite families to cut loose (footloose) for Luke and Manny’s much-anticipated first school dance. Manny, being the elderly 12 year-old that he is, was having a sartorial crisis because he didn’t own a teal pocket square. Heaven forbid! A turquoise bra, offered up by Gloria, was definitely not an appropriate substitution. So Jay started up the family phone tree to find one.

Turns out, Phil is not a pocket square kind of guy. Mitchell didn’t have one, but of course, Cam owns pocket squares in teal, aqua, and sea foam! First down, Team Jay and Cam! But wait a minute. Flag on the play. The teal pocket square had been loaned to Andre. And thank goodness it was, because that sent Jay, Manny, Luke (who was having his own Incredible Hulk fashion crisis), and Phil to the mall for new dance duds.

After Phil let someone else swipe his parking spot and his space in the checkout line, Jay couldn’t help but teach a lesson to the boys about what being a man is all about. “Never let someone take what is yours!” Also: Feel free to make a man cry in the mall because his dog died.

Phil, fed up with Jay always giving him a hard time, went crazy (even for Phil) as the Oasis for Men man preemptively sprayed the fragrance in Phil’s face. Don’t try this at home, kids. Repeatedly spraying cologne in another man’s face will land you in mall jail. In the slammer back room of the mall, Jay told Phil he had his own tough father-in-law, Grandpa Lucas, who was only a sweetheart after that stroke mellowed him out. I love it when these two bond. Who knew it would take Phil attacking the perfume guy to make it happen?

Over at the school, Claire was prepping for the dance and acting out because Gloria was made her co-chair. Apparently the school only asks for volunteers so that everyone feels included when all along they just really want Claire to do it. It’s her thing (just like Halloween), and Gloria was stealing all of Claire’s thunder by looking too pretty and arranging tables with such grace. But they too had a heart-to-heart, albeit with more tears, and Claire got over her petty competition with Gloria, unstuffed her bra, and headed back to the dance floor. Aww.

Meanwhile, Cam and Mitchell were enjoying a nice day in the park with Lily until both dads got incredibly defensive when a playground mom accused Lily of biting her son. According to Cam and Mitch, she was just playing everyone’s favorite game: Let’s Blame the Gay Dads! But remember, straight parents raised Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson, and...Naomi Campbell. Cam assured the worried mother that should Lily ever misbehave, they would be all over her “like white on rice” which is not in any way meant to be offensive.

As it turned out, Lily was just teething. On people. But can you blame her? She's got one dad who pretends to eat her feet and another who constantly uses his teeth like a “multi-tool.” (And also, she's a toddler.) So they took to the Spanish Inquisition website mommy forum to find some parenting tips. Cam wasn’t happy with the options: have a hobo yell at her, put a pinch of pepper in her mouth (☺) or waterboarding (LOL). Eventually, the dads (sort of) came to terms with the fact that their little angel isn’t always so angelic. Next week: See Cam and Mitch take on Lily’s hitting! I wish. Cam’s reaction to the mommy forum was priceless.

NEXT: 10 best lines/moments from "Dance Dance Revelation"

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