Jersey Shore season finale recap: After the Battle, I Want to Die at the End of the Universe

The world ends with a bang and a whimper. Meanwhile, Vinny sleeps with lesbians
Ep. 11 | Aired Mar 15, 2012

BOOBA GOODING, JR. Deena calls her left breast "devil" and her right breast "angel." Now, on one hand, you can read this as a clear homage to The Night of the Hunter, the classic film in which Robert Mitchum's murderous preacher has "Love" and "Hate" tattooed on his right and left hands. But what if it's not an homage? What if -- and I realize this is a big "if," but we live in a universe filled with wonders -- many years ago, when the world had not fallen into ruin and magic still ruled the realm, Deena was a young Viking warrior woman who went out hunting in the snow-dappled forests of Old Scandinavia, and she managed to capture an angel and a devil, and imprison them in her bosom? Wouldn't that be cray cray?

MTV

Jersey Shore is finished. Snooki is pregnant and engaged to Jionni, and although we can all expect the birth of the Snooki-baby and the wedding of Snooionni to invade our television later this year, it seems unlikely that Jersey Shore's mascot will return for a sixth season. Snooki's already starring in her own spin-off with J-Woww, who has barely been a presence on the show since getting wifed up by Jolly Roger. (Pity poor J-Woww -- she thought her spin-off was going to be "Nicole and Jenni have wacky adventures!" and instead it's going to be "Snooki's having a baby and getting married, and Jenni is boobs!") The Situation has a burgeoning new career in litigation, and he's surely savvy enough to realize that it isn't helping his brand very much to skulk through an entire TV season like the world's most steroidal Gollum impersonator. Pauly D has his own vanity spin-off, which airs later this month, and having seen the series premiere I can tell you that it's exactly like Entourage if Adrien Grenier had played every character on Entourage.

Vinny seems content with his role in the show, and Deena seems desperate to become a more prominent character, and the formerly-contentious Ronnie and Sammi spent the last two seasons proving to their insurance company that they are no longer a danger to themselves or others. So we might be staring down the barrel of a few more seasons of a reduced Shore. Picture Deena leading a new cast of tandroid clone housemates through Seaside. Picture Vinny plotting every-more-elaborate bucket list orgies: "I've always wanted to hook up with three transvestites dressed as pandas while Andrea Bocelli sings 'Con Te Partiro' on a trampoline!" And Ronnie and Sammi will sit quietly on the deck, growing old together in the quiet manner of those couples who caused each other too much emotional damage to not grow old together.

But for all intents and purposes, last night's episode was the end of the original incarnation of Jersey Shore. So it makes sense that the cruel demi-gods who govern the netherverse of reality television offered up an apocalypse. The episode began with Pauly and Vinny sitting in the inside-out Jersey Shore household. They daintily sipped mai tais in their prefab pool. (Pauly D briefly pondered, "I wonder what the poor people are doin'?" knowing full well that us poor huddled masses were doing what we always do: Watching Jersey Shore.) The campers returned from camping all had a good laugh about the prank.

Except for The Situation. A black depression descended upon Uncle Mike, who sat darkly on the couch. Storm warnings rang throughout the town, and everyone else quickly brought their things inside. The Situation did not, and so his shoes were all outside when the rain came. He walked up to the deck and stared down at the ruins of his shoe empire. "Every shoe is brand new," he said. "They're all soaked." He got down on his knees and ran his hands over every shoe. "They were all so beautiful," he said, his voice muffled in thick folds, "It makes me sad because I've never seen such -- such beautiful shoes before." Were those tears on The Situation's corrugated face? Or was that just the rain?

That evening, the gang went out to Jenks, and something very important happened. Now, in the past, I've theorized that Vinny's private Jersey Shore narrative is essentially a downward spiral: The story of how a perfectly nice and smart and family-oriented boy became a juicehead gorilla. From that perspective, Vinny's breakdown at the beginning of this season was his own conscience -- and his decision to return to the show marked his moral downfall. (ASIDE: Cross-reference this theory with my running hypothesis that The Situation is actually a time-traveling Vinny from twenty years in the future, and then add in a double-cross-reference to the possibility that The Situation's best friend The Unit is actually also Vinny. Basically, Vinny traveled back in time twenty years to become The Situation, then lived for two decades in the past, and then traveled back in time again to become The Unit. So basically, Vinny is 24-year-old Vinny, The Situation is 44-year-old Vinny, and The Unit is 64-year-old Vinny. END OF ASIDE.)

But what if Vinny was actually the hero of Jersey Shore all along? And what if the whole show has built up to the moment last night when Vinny achieved the impossible? "This is the moment where heroes are made," said Vinny. "They write history books about this s---. This story's gonna be told for generations to come. On this day," he paused, sounding the trumpets, "On this day, Vinny banged two lesbian chicks!!!"

NEXT: The Last Conflict


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