Viewers, I won't argue that Sammi is a good person, or a smart person. I won't even argue that she's a real person: EW.com's Jersey Shore team (myself, my cranky old chainsmoking mentor, my by-the-book partner with a thirst for justice, and a coterie of attractive typists) is currently investigating the possibility that the Shore cast is actually a renegade gang of Method actors engaged in a years-long piece of performance art. But surely, even you Sammi-haters out there had to feel a little bad for the girl as she packed up what was left of her life and left the house in a cab. Vinny told her to stay: "I think if you leave, you ain't coming back." The girls gave her big hugs. Good lord, people, J-Woww told her "I love you." J-Woww, her eternal enemy! (Women are complicated.)
She had one last conversation with Ron-Ron. "Sit," he said. "No, I'm good," she responded. "What'd I do?" he asked impotently, clearly suffering short-term memory loss, long-term memory loss, and/or complete amnesia. (You guys, no joke, I'm really worried about Ron's Xenadrine intake.) Ronnie called her "Samantha" and gave her a big hug, but she left him upstairs. She gave the rest of the house a group hug. She got in the cab. And she was gone. She may return, but for now, "The Ballad of Ron and Sam" has come to an end. Am I the only one who'll miss her? Especially since we still have to deal with her ex-boyfriend, Beppo the Super-Monkey?
Other Very Special Moments from a Very Special Episode:
--J-Woww reserved the smush room for a night of fun with Jolly Roger, who is apparently the most popular man in Seaside. Since Roger was taking off for a week-long trip, J-Woww decided to give him the full deployment-to-Europe send-off: Bondage attire and handcuffs. Does anyone else think that J-Woww is the human incarnation of a Rob Liefeld superheroine?
--Snooki, with the Quote of the Week, Non-Ronnie Division: "The staircase is really, really small, and the bed is really wide. It's kind of like an analogy of Vinny's penis not fitting in my pinhole." Ow, my brain!
--I'm not really interested in any Jersey Shore spin-offs, but if MTV wanted to launch a new Tom Green-style show, they could do worse than giving Pauly D and Vinny a late-night talk show. It could be called Community Smush, with Pauly and Vinny. I'd watch that for at least two minutes.
Viewers, did your cold hearts warm up to Sammi last night? When Ronnie cries, can you hear the world's tiniest violin playing for him? And let's settle this once and for all: Do you prefer Good Situation or Evil Situation?
Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich