Jersey Shore recap: Requiem for a Sweetheart

Sammi and Ronnie finally break up, and the house will never be the same
Ep. 07 | Aired Feb 10, 2011

TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT After Ronnie went on a rampage, Sammi left the house...for good?

Team MVP decided it was time to get Ronnie to Aztec, because Angry Ronnie always does so well in nightclubs. Back at the house, Snooki and Deena floated down from their space shuttle to show Sam a good time.  "The meatballs got you!" exclaimed Deena. While Sam put on her best Screw-You outfit, Snooki and Bizarro-Snooki tried and failed to move her bed downstairs. It was so cute. They were like the two mice in Cinderella, and Sam was like the poor downtrodden girl who finally got to spend a night dancing with the prince.  In this metaphor, "Dancing with the prince" means "Getting up onstage and screaming 'I need a f---ing hot guy, right now!'"

From across the club, Ronnie saw Sam dance with some random dude. Sitch, again playing the role of House Diplomat, told him, "No no, bro! Don't even worry about what the f--- is going on in there!" But Ronnie worried. Oh, how he worried. Let's take a peek into Ronnie's mind, using our patented telepathy machine, and try to understand the man's paradoxical motivations:

"There's that ex-girlfriend I hate and never want to speak to again. She ruined my life, so I'm going to totally ruin her life by smushing some broad in the smush room tonight. That will show her! Wait, now the ex-girlfriend I hate is dancing with some guy. How could she do that to poor little me? She owes me so much more! Me, her terrible ex-boyfriend who lied to her consistently. Why would she do something so thoughtless to me? How could she foil my plan to hook up with someone by hooking up with someone? No fair! I am undone! She's figured out my only weakness: Anything!"

Ronnie went home, and here is where things stopped being funny. Except that everything Ronnie does is kind of funny, since minotaurs are really just hilarious creatures. Ronnie decided to go on a rampage. He smashed some of Sam's things, and what he didn't smash, he threw out onto the porch. He unloaded her drawers. He punched her purses. He screamed, "I refuse to cede the moral high ground!" (No, he didn't.) Remember this day, my friends, for this shall be a story you shall tell your grandchildren: the day that Mighty Ronald I, he of the Square Shoulders, did engage in battle with Sammi's Stuff. It was a great victory.

Sam came home and was understandably surprised to discover that everything she owned was wrecked. She walked upstairs, holding her broken librarian glasses in her hands. God bless Ronnie, who somehow -- somhow! -- managed to convince himself that he was still the victim. "You f---ing disrespected me in front of my face," he said. Sam looked at him with a stony glare that seemed to say, "Um, you wrecked everything I own." "You embarrassed me tonight," Ronnie argued. Sammi held up her broken glasses, as if to say, "You are a five-year-old." Ronnie said, "You disgust me in so many ways. Don't ever talk to me again." Then, viewers, he went into the bathroom and cried. Now, no judgements here, and believe me when I say that I mean this in the best way: This man is a doofus.

Next: Exeunt, chased by a bear

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