Jersey Shore recap: Requiem for a Sweetheart

Sammi and Ronnie finally break up, and the house will never be the same
Ep. 07 | Aired Feb 10, 2011

TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT After Ronnie went on a rampage, Sammi left the house...for good?

The boys got home. Had the rollercoasters distracted Ronnie's need for vengeance? Nope. He accused Mike of being an instigator: "He instigated my mistakes." None of those words made any sense as a sentence, but Ronnie's rage is above sentences. When Sitch walked in the door, Ronnie screamed, "You played me out, boy! I saw what you did, and it was f---ing wrong!" Technically of course, Ronnie didn't see anything -- he just heard Sitch talking to Sam from the bathroom. (I would say that we should chip in to buy Ronnie a dictionary, but I'm worried he'll just tear the dictionary in half and then cry about it. Xenadrine is a hell of a drug.)

Sitch made peace with Ronnie, though not before he got in one good line: "What you did in Miami was f---ing wrong." (The Situation as a force for good? Is it opposite day? Is the world ending? Oh my god, guys, is this what the groundhog was trying to tell us?) Sitch could tell that Ronnie just wanted to fight someone, and decided that it was better to retreat from the battlefield. But Ron's bloodlust was not sated. He had become Death, Destroyer of Worlds, Mangler of Words.  Upstairs, he and Sam engaged in a verbal scuffle. Sam was still sort of upset about, you know, the cheating and the lying in Miami. Sam said, "How could you sit there and watch me cry and lie to my face?" "Which time? Which time?" Ronnie asked, which is actually a pretty funny response.

"Be a woman and man up your s--- for once!" Ronnie cried nonsensically. Full credit to the Shore editors, who mostly cut away from the fight to show us Vinny and Pauly's hilarious reactions. "They're gonna bang, like, soon," theorized Vin-Vin. "They're talking about f---ing relationships, and my sneakers are dirty!" complained Pauly. (He's a DJ!)

It was about at this point that Ronnie started hurling Sam's clothes out of her closet. He threw her things onto the balcony. "You're not welcome in this room! Nobody likes you in this room!" he exclaimed. He picked up the bed, and Sam jumped on it. It was sort of like watching Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf as performed by Veruca Salt and a shaved man-ape. The boys ran upstairs trying to break up the scuffle. They held Sammi back, and Ronnie retreated across the second floor, but Sammi kept on pushing. They started on one side of the house and ended on the other side. The whole time, Sammi was screaming "I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone!"  Ronnie screamed back at her, "This is why I cheated on you in Miami!" Sitch, Vinny, and Pauly were caught in the middle, variously laughing and looking horrified. The scene bore a remarkable resemblance to the famous fight sequence from Oldboy, except I'm pretty sure if Sammi had a hammer there would've been no one left alive.

Viewers, I try to never judge anyone on this show too harshly. "Judge not, lest ye be judged," as Captain America always says. Still, was anyone else bothered a little bit when Ronnie screamed his final retort: "How many times have you cooked for me! None, you f---ing useless spoiled bitch." Now now, Ronnie, let's not criticize Sam too harshly just because she's not a go-getter like you. We can't all be high-flying dietary pitchmen.

Next: Sammi plays games with Ronnie's heart

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