Jersey Shore season premiere recap: Attack of the Squirrel Monkeys

The gang returns to Seaside Heights, where new housemate Deena rubs Sammi the wrong way
Ep. 01 | Aired Jan 6, 2011

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SHAKING HANDS? Deena revealed a little bit too much to her new pal The Situation

Ronnie and Sammi are just a swirling tornado of hatred now. When Deena waltzed in, Ronnie noted, "Snooki walks in the door with the Gremlin lookalike," which is a pretty brave thing to say considering that Ronnie looks exactly like Goliath the Gargoyle. Sammi didn't even deign to notice the new arrival. At the welcome lunch, Deena tried to make idle conversation with Sam.

Deena: "So, where are you from?"

Sammi: "Jersey."

Deena: "I'm from Jersey! Where?"

Sammi: "Central."

Deena: "Which part of Central?"

Sammi: "Hazlet."

Deena: "Well, tell the Hazlet school board that unless they're purposefully training their students to grow up to be monosyllabic man-sloths, they really have to do something about their education system." (She didn't say that.)

Later, the gang was having a serious talk in the kitchen. Deena was asking what made a good houseguest. Vinny explained, "The way you treat people in this house is the way you get it back." (Hooray for the return of Non-Douchebag Vin-Vin!) Deena agreed, although she noted that she could be a bit of a firecracker: "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." And Sammi did it! She stood up and walked away, literally getting out of the kitchen!

Viewers, we've all been watching this show together. Can someone please explain to me when Sammi turned into an evil Disney Queen? She literally seems to hate everyone around her. She calls JWoww "whorebag," which is just rude, and if I may offer a counterargument, here's a mirror. She jokes that Vinny is in love with Pauly. She refuses to speak to the other girls. If there was a truly sad moment in last night's premiere, it was the sight of Sammi and Ronnie all alone in their big room while the rest of the house played Flip Cup outside. To get really deep for a second, Sammi and Ronnie seem to be trapped in a seriously dysfunctional cycle of mutual pain and desire. To get really shallow for a second, Ronnie looks like a shaved grizzly bear who was raised as a human by a lonely hunter. (That would explain Ron's anger issues. He just wants to go back to the forest, where he can hunt salmon, or something!)

I was all set for a few episodes of slow-burn Sammi hatred. But leave it Deena to make everything move much, much faster. Finding the whole house tucked into bed, Deena made her way to the terrible upstairs room. She tried to awake Sitch. "Please, Uncle Sitch, I want a snug snug!" she explained. Sammi giggled. Deena was horrified. How dare someone laugh at her rather amusing behavior! She threw a fit. She screamed out words that are unrepeatable on this family website. (Suffice it to say, she wanted to get rid of the Seaward.) Everyone assembled in the kitchen. Sitch looked like he was having the time of his life. "I hope she rots in hell!" said Deena. Sitch: "That was very audacious."

Next: Every one has a job to do, and JWoww's job is doing good

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