'Jersey Shore' recap: Me Against the World: The Sammi Sweetheart Story

The girls had made Pauly D a Boobcake, because he likes duh boobz, and they made The Situation a Buttcake, because he's an a--hole. If they had to make a cake for Ronnie, I like to think they would have made a cake in the shape of Ronnie's face, and then Ronnie would have gone into the corner and covered his own face with facecake. Then they strapped the boys into wheelchairs and gave them both a stripper of their very own. Pauly D laughed with his stripper for a second. The Situation instantly fell in love with his stripper and asked her if she'd like to come home to his "room," which as we all know is actually a sad little corner of the room The Situation shares with Pumpkinhead and Frownface.

Now, what happened next confused me. The Situation's first move when he gets home with a nice young lady is to give her a full outfit of his own clothes. But the stripper insisted on having two matching socks. So The Situation threw her a giant mass of socks. None of them matched. I like to imagine that, when The Situation made his first million dollars, he told his minions that he wanted them to buy five hundred pairs of expensive socks, and then burn one sock from each pair. (This was immediately before he demanded a Snuggie made out of yak fur. Don't you wish you were rich?)

The Situation was so flustered by the stripper's sock demands that he refused to smush her. Everything about that sentence made me depressed. But you know what isn't depressing? Bunny costumes! Snooki decided to freak out the whole house by hiding in the bathroom and scaring people. Because really, what's more scary than a four-foot-tall bathroom rabbit with loose morals?

That night, the gang decided to have kind of a date night. The Situation decided to invite Paula, a girl who has the unique skill of finding The Situation charming even when she's sober. I hope those two crazy kids make it, mostly because I'm worried that without Paula, The Situation will live for decades of lonely crankiness, swimming through a pool of his own money, until he turns 80 and starts going off on wacky adventures with his duck nephews.

At the club, Sammi got into a fight with somebody. This concludes your Sammi update for the season.

Now, the episode took a weird left turn at the end when the gang decided to go and kidnap Vinny. I'm sure they were well-intentioned, but let's look at this from a different perspective. Let's say that you, dear reader, are poor Vin-Vin. You've been living a fast life in close proximity to extreme personalities for two years now. You are feeling extremely stressed out, perhaps even depressed. You decide, quite maturely, that the only solution to your problem is to go away for awhile. You return to the loving arms of your mother. You take a few days. You begin to sleep better. The days seem a bit brighter. You can feel yourself breathing again.

Then one quiet morning, there's a loud knock knock knock at your door. You hear people screaming your name. Then they break down the door, and as they come up the stairs, you can hear Deena yelling, "Brap! Brap! Brap! Brap!" like some sort of homicidal psycho cybernetic frog assassin. And then suddenly, they're all inside of your room: The people from your nightmares. There's the man with the pointy hair. There's the man with the head like a orange bowling ball. There's the girl with two bowling balls on her chest. There's the munchkin twins. There's the man who may or may not be your 45-year-old future self. There's Sammi, who's terrible.

Vinny wanly showed off his new tattoo: "Let Go Let God." (Ronnie, with the line of the night: "Looks cool. No f---ing idea what it means.) I would read that tattoo as a cry for help. Vinny's friends read it as nothing, because they're illiterate. "Won't you come back with us to the Shore house?" they asked, they begged. Vinny said yes, he would. On the ride back home, they mooned each other on the freeway. But the most memorable shot of the episode was of Vinny's mom, watching her son drive away to war with a look of abject horror and sadness on her face:

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

PREVIOUS Page 1 2