THEY KISSED A GIRL Dear Fans of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Oompa-Loompa slash fiction: Merry Christmas! Love, Jersey Shore
Snooki and Deena have a passionate night of drunken rampaging and marathon smooching. Everyone else looks on in horror.| Published Sep 16, 2011
You could say that Snooki and Deena are the Coke and Pepsi of Jersey Shore, if you happen to believe that Pepsi is basically just Coke without the dignity or the underwear. (In this metaphor, The Situation is Dr. Pepper, Vinny is 7-Up, J-Woww is Cherry Coke, and Ronnie is a shaved gorilla-man who drinks Four Loko.) There are some experts who claim that Deena's relationship with Snooki has an unhealthy Single White Female flavor, but my personal theory is that Deena has a far more complicated Tom Ripley fixation on her fellow meatball. It's true that she wants to be Snooki, yes, but at a certain innocent level, Deena is simply, wonderfully in love with Snooki.
You could see evidence of this theory all over last night's episode, which sent the Jersey Shore cast to the lovely seaside township of Riccione. Snooki thought Riccione reminded her a little bit of Hawaii, but also of Seaside Heights. "Maybe it's, like, on the border of a continent," she said. "You know what I mean? So it's like, by the ocean." Well, technically, Riccione is by the Adriatic Sea. But if you think about it, every sea is an ocean and no man is an island, maaaaan.
While the boys went out to find themselves some mid-afternoon cocktails and hang out with The Situation's Italian bizarro-clone and Pauly D's future self, the girls dressed up in summerwear and embarked on a campaign of terror. Snooki and Deena led the charge. At a pleasant outdoor bar, they were screaming "vagine." The local population was horrified, which is strange, because all of my research indicates that the Italian Prime Minister -- Silvio "Bunga Bunga Boom Boom" Berlusconi -- starts and ends every speech with a loud rallying cry of "VIVA VAGINE! VIVA VAGINE! Farò l'amore a niente che si muove!"
It quickly became clear that Snooki and Deena were drinking far more than J-Woww and Sammi. Sammi was scared: "They're creeping me out!" J-Woww was also concerned. (Fashion Interlude: Jenni was adorned in a see-through pink serape and a bright-neon-blue bikini. I didn't think women actually wore clothes like that outside of Rob Liefeld's imagination. Truly, we live in an inspiring world.) J-Woww tried to reason with them: Don't let your day of drinking ruin our night of drinking! Deena and Snooki looked at her, without recognition. "Mama?" said Snooki. "Mama!" squealed Deena. J-Woww was frustrated: "Babies! They're baaaaabies!" So she just set them loose on the mean streets of Riccione, instructing them: "Go. Play. Have Fun."
Go, they did! Play, they did! Fun, they done had! Snooki caught a scent of bad house music on the wind and followed it to a club. They were dancing and drinking together, as if there was no one else in the world. The boys showed up, laughed, and then got the hell away. At one point, Snooki played a game where she tried to run into Deena but ran into a bush instead. It was kind of like that episode of The Simpsons where the male Simpsons relatives play the "Run Into Each Other Headfirst While Wearing a Frying Pan" game, except without the frying pan, and those were cartoon characters. Then Deena danced her underwear off, which I suppose you could call an athletic skill. I like to think that Deena's clothes are just trying to escape.
NEXT: An all-female staging of the Myth of Narcissus, which is only marginally more annoying than the controversial all-female staging of Twelfth Night that the drama club put on at your high school.