'Hell's Kitchen' recap: Critical Mess

Service time rolled around, and the Red Team was happily smelling the love in the absence of Jen; meanwhile, the Blues were bickering. In a rare moment of Trumpitude, Chef Ramsay dropped the bomb that Merrill Schindler and Sophie Gayot, two of ''America's finest'' food critics, were in the house tonight. Not being a foodie, I'm just gonna let him have that one, although I have my suspicions otherwise. The critics decided to order the same items off each team's menu, and it was on. First out were the Red apps, with Christina and Corey succeeding. Then Louross matched their skill with his scallops, and it was pretty much over.

Yeah, the critics turned out to be relatively irrelevant once the Red kitchen turned out to be unable to cook any further food. Matt experienced (tenderloin) shrinkage, Christina burned the salmon. She tried to explain that she was in the weeds, but Chef wasn't having it: ''Shut up,'' he said. ''I really mean that, from the bottom of my heart.'' He was on quite the tear tonight: Petrozza cut the meat too early, and Ramsay responded with ''Petrozza, you deserve to lose.'' Once Christina finally got decent salmon to the window, Ramsay barked, ''Good. Finally, you f---ing lazy cow.'' Rosann ran out of gnocchi and carrot puree, and tried to apologize. ''I'm sorry you're here,'' said Ramsay, then started banging his head against the window. When Matt brought up two pieces of beef that were a color more suited to food leaving the body than entering it, Cheffy'd had enough. After asking the whole team if they thought the beef was palatable, he chucked it across the stove. ''You won't serve it, but you'll give it to me?'' he yelled. ''Get out!''

Needless to say, it made Jen very, very happy that the Blue Team had to swoop in and finish the Red side's service. Let's go with ''ecstatic.'' Jen was ecstatic. ''That's what you get, bitches!'' she cackled like the crazy person she just might be. (If you'll unearth your ''Reality-Show Contestants and Race: Stereotypes on Parade'' checklists, I think there may be an appropriate box for this.) Obviously, the Red Team had lost without her presence and skill, though it couldn't have made her all that thrilled to see Corey declared the best of the worst. Do I smell a head-to-head battle? My goodness, that would be like Archuleta vs. Cook all over again! America, can you handle the excitement? You know what? Don't answer that. Anyway. Corey nominated Matt and Rosann, saying she never wants to work with the (incompetent, possibly unsafe) latter again. Chef agreed with the choice, then personally nominated Christina as well. Oh, it was nervous times for the culinary student, but after faking us out and putting Rosann back in line, Ramsay went ahead and made, remarkably, the right choice. ''Take your jacket off and go back to your daughter,'' he said, and exiled Mom to Staten Island. Ah, well. Another dream dead.

Not a lot of burning questions tonight, fritters, with the exception of something Christina brought up: She declared that were she to bounce back from tonight and win it all, it would be the biggest Hell's Kitchencomeback of all time. I think she's underestimating her mediocrity, but I'm curious: What would have been the best comeback? Aaron? Dewberry? Weigh in. Also, what do the Pistons need to do in order to stop that fierce Boston offense?

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