'Hell's Kitchen' season premiere recap: Reheated

Service was predictably disastrous, and began with the men being incapable of listing the entrees they'd be serving that evening. ''Right now, you look like a bunch of [bleep] yummy [bleep] Oakland!'' yelled Chef Ramsay. (Okay, that's not what he yelled, but that's what I heard, and that is what I wrote down.) Then, when the doors opened, Jason was nowhere to be found. Turns out he was outside smoking, thereby beating all the ladies in a ''Who Can Look Like the Most Unhealthy Douchebag on National TV?'' contest. Hooray, Jason! Too bad you can't make risotto! Oh, and hello, Dominic! I'm sorry you can't fry a scallop!

Grr. Here is a new horse to beat: In much the same way that I am mystified by contestants who show up on Survivor without the ability to swim or make fire, I cannot possibly understand why contestants onHell's Kitchen, knowing full well that a risotto and/or scallop will be expected of them at some point, would not spend every waking second before arriving at the gates of the TV mansion doing nothing but perfecting risotto and/or scallops. It's not like they get cast and immediately whisked away. They know. They have time. Why do they not prepare? I would prepare. I would prepare a whole lot.

Anyhow, after an hour of service, no food had been served. Sharon had been yelled at to ''f--- off and go put some more makeup on,'' and Jen was slowly but surely turning out risottos. Rosann had been named captain of Lady Land after Vanessa moused it up. Dominic was turning scallops into golf balls, and Bobby — the Manly World's purported captain — wasn't doing jack. He didn't want to contribute to the chaos, he said, so he just stood there while the boys ruined every piece of food they touched. Louross was then named captain. Bobby continued to refer to himself as a general. Chef Ramsay threw Corey's chicken against the wall. Somehow by this point, three hours had passed, and the customers were going home. SHUT-TIT DOWN!

Exactly zero of the 15 exciting new entree options were served. Somewhere, a Wellington weeps.

Ramsay decided the men were the losers, and Louross was forced to choose two teammates for elimination. It seemed pretty obvious that this should be Jason and Bobby — even to Jason, who just kicked the ladies' asses in the ''I Make Unnecessarily Graphic Comments to Demonstrate How Tough I Am, Rawr!'' competition — but Louross threw everyone a curveball and nominated Dominic instead. This looked like a pretty transparent attempt to put a harmless competitor up against General Bobby and his complete lack of leadership so that General Bobby would have to go home. Louross now has the word ''fail'' written on his scorecard: Dominic went home. And once again, I could not get over how cruel it is to make these average-shaped human beings walk through an unflatteringly-lit hallway in marshmallow-resembling white T-shirts after they've been voted off.

And there you have it, crab cakes! All the news that's effing fit to print about mother-loving Hell's Kitchen, Season 4, The Continuation of Hell. I hope you'll check back in here week after week for all the fun. Meanwhile, let's use the comment space below to discuss tonight's episode, and let's all do it while using our very nicest indoor voices, please. Just because Ramsay can get away with hollering at everyone around him doesn't mean you can. Unless you are writing DONKEY in all caps, because that's just funny. Tell me: Who's your early pick to win? Anyone got a good scallop recipe? Is Jason a fun person to root against or just a belching, chain-smoking slob with a serious case of ''small-boy syndrome,'' as Ramsay might call it? And could someone decipher that ''yummy Oakland'' insult for me, please?

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