'Gossip Girl' recap: Tried to Make Her Go to Rehab

Half way through last night's ultra dramatic episode of Gossip Girl, I had to pause and ask myself: Um, what show is this?

Like a punished schoolchild, Serena's cleavage didn't come out to play. Chuck's was given only slightly more screentime than Rufus Humphrey and his thinning hair. There was no party to speak of -- unless you count a Thanksgiving dinner served on cafeteria trays to prison inmates and their kin. And Blair (and everyone else for that matter) spent the entire episode in one outfit. Yes, one outfit. Wha?!?

Luckily, Dan and Nate and Juliet and her nefarious activities helped drag this episode out of our reality (where people change clothes only once a day) and back into the nine levels of Hell where Gossip Girl exists. Whew. I'll admit: I was scared -- I thought we'd lost it there for a minute. Never underestimate the episode-reviving power of a few homoerotic moments and a crazy bitch.

So, let's recap.

We picked up the morning after the Saints and Sinners party that we saw two weeks ago (longest fortnight ever, no?). Dorota was packing Blair's best Brrberries in prep for her lady's trip overseas to spend a chilly autumn in Paris with her father. But Dorota (who had 20 pounds of baby OMGoodness strapped to her) knew Blair was merely running away from her troubles with Chuck and Serena, and encouraged Blair to make peace with pie. (No, not that kind of pie.) Blair reluctantly agreed to drop the sweet treat off at Serena's -- not knowing that Serena had never made it home.

Over at the van der Woodsen's, CindeRufus was setting the table for a Thanksgiving feast when Eric walked in to inquire about his MIA sister, who had not responded to his concerned texts and angry emoticons. He was planning to go to Blair's to talk to her because that's where he (and everyone else) thought she was hiding out. I'm not quite sure why he cared; she treated him like dirt at the party and dismissed his kind words. If I were him, I would have said good riddance and concluded with a <^>(-_-)<^>

Lily shared my sentiment and told Eric not to go on his Serena quest. Serena's text-message withdrawal from Columbia apparently stuck (ha!), and Lily was PO'd that her daughter -- "a grown woman" -- was throwing a temper tantrum. As her mom, Lily should have realized that Serena may shop in the grown-up's bra section, but would lose a maturity contest with a piece of day-old pumpkin pie.

Speaking of aging things that stink, Dan and Vanessa were hanging out together again. This time they were shopping for a dessert simple enough that people would believe Dan baked it. In the course of their grocery-store bonding, Dan extended a dinner invite to Vanessa, telling her that he was thankful that she encouraged him to step away from Serena and preserve his "friendship" with Nate. "Friendships are important," Vanessa told him. A look in her eye made me think she wanted to add a wink and a nod to indicate that she understood just how special their bond is, but alas, she refrained. I read between the lines, though -- and I'm not talking about the lines created by the shapes on that fugly coat of hers.

NEXT: Dan and Nate continue to tease us (and each other).

Page 1 2 3 4 NEXT