In Lima, the drama has picked up again for Jake and Marley. Last week, he confessed to hooking up with Bree. This week, he’s trying to apologize with roses which is an altogether silly idea since, if Glee has taught us anything, it’s that the best way to apologize for sexual misdeeds is via song. But no, he tries with flowers, and Marley spurns him, accepting that Jake is a man-ho and she can’t change his nature. Jake says he’s not that guy anymore, but when Ryder accosts Jake in the locker room for screwing things up with Marley, Jake suddenly defends his choices and owns being “that guy.” He warns Ryder, “Start learning to like the real Jake Puckerman or leave me the hell alone.” Cue another song!
“My Life”: It’s a good old-fashioned jock-singing-in-the-locker-room ditty, reminiscent of the quasi-homoerotic numbers in things like Best Little Whorehouse. Throughout the song, Jake is romancing the girls of McKinley and not-so-passive-aggressively flaunting a thinly-veiled STFU to Marley. He’s also doing a randomly alarming amount of dancing. Grade: A bizarre B+.
Not missing a moment, Ryder asks Marley to go out with him. “I have good family values, I go to church, I’ve never been arrested, I’m not ugly,” he says, knowing exactly what gets Marley hot. Marley says she’s not ready, though (can you blame her?). She rejects Ryder, conveniently stopping in front of a display of mirrors, which Ryder sings into.
“An Innocent Man”: Artie’s facial expression here kills me. Ryder basically sing-confesses his love for Marley (that’s how you do it on Glee, Jakey). “Marley, will you go out with me?” he asks RIGHT IN FRONT OF JAKE, who promptly leaves, because why wouldn’t he? WTF Ryder. You don’t do anything interesting for weeks and then you pull this sh*t? Not cool, Biebs, not cool. C+ because you’re being a dick.
But as it turns out, Marley still goes out with Ryder that night. I assume they went to Breadstix, because romance is dead in Lima, but the next day, Ryder tells Marley to check her Instagram. Why? He’s posted a picture of the two of them with hearts around them, and the fact that Marley doesn’t immediately run away is just awful. Jake comes over just to say hi and bye before he goes off to give chlamydia to two career fair attendees. Marley tells Ryder that he’s moving too fast and that she’s uncomfortable and needs time for her and her Julie Andrews movie-marathons. Ryder sad. Marley sad. Jake sexually active. The circle of life.
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