Back at McKinley, it’s time to check in on the Shakespearean tragedy that is the Marley-Jake drama. Last week, Marley, a Prude, fought with Jake, a Concupiscent, causing him to seek vaginal comfort from Bree, a Slut. Jake and Bree are still making out in the bathroom, so Jake is now a full-blown cheater, but Marley doesn’t know.
In the hall, Bree accosts Marley about her awful twerking and decides to spill the beans that she and Jake hooked up. Except Bree doesn’t just spill the beans — she cooks them, boils them to a scalding hot temperature and then tosses them in Marley’s porcelain face. Bree is truly a horrible human being, which is a shame because she shares the same name as one of TV’s greatest characters.
Inconsolable, Marley storms over to Jake and demands to see a mole on Jake’s hip, which Devilskank Bree described to her in perfect detail. Jake can’t deny the tryst, so Marley does what any self-respecting heartbroken teen would do: She goes to the auditorium to sing about it. Marley’s “Wrecking Ball” seems like it’ll be a nice character piece, until they put her on an actual wrecking ball and send her careening into a brick wall, which is not metaphorical. No, it’s actually a brick wall, and she kind of just lays there among the foam like she’s been stunned in laser tag. Grade: C+.
Meanwhile, Unique has asked Sue for a unisex bathroom, and she obliges by installing the most offensive Port-a-Potty ever in the middle of the choir room, bolted to the floor. When Unique has to actually use the bathroom, Kitty is not having it: “If Oprah’s going to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool, I am not going to be here for it.” Mr. Schue escorts Unique to the hallway, where he delivers a teacherly pep talk comparing gay rights to New Coke. He leads Unique to the faculty bathroom and unlocks it. “From now on, whenever nature calls I want you to find me, and I am going to open this up for you,” Mr. Shue says, meaning well but sounding disgusting. “No one needs to know how you identify yourself. They just need to know that you washed your hands after.” Ugh. Come on now.
Sue calls Mr. Schue into her office yet again, where he is halted by Becky the Suddenly Horrible Person (“Do you have an appointment? Then get out, bitch!”). Sue makes a deal with Mr. Schue — she’ll give Unique the key to the faculty bathroom if the Glee kids finally stop twerking. Schue passes on the deal and suddenly trashes Sue’s office, taking Becky along for his path of randomly motivated destruction.
But it turns out Mr. Schue DID take the deal, sacrificing twerking for Unique, which makes him a good guy after all (and still a horrible role model for teenagers). Suddenly, the kids aren’t even into twerking anymore now that it’s outlawed. They decide to move on by singing an upbeat, optimistic, “old-school Glee” song: The Royal Concept’s “On Our Way,” which is a great song that will probably do well on iTunes, which is good because the band is great. The Gleeks perform it on a random playground roundabout in the middle of the stage, and everything seems happy, except for Jake and Marley, who continue to exchange looks of betrayal. Grade: B (for betrayal).
That’s it for this week. So long, Robin Thicke! If I don’t hear “Blurred Lines” again for the next geologic era, it will be too soon.