The blurred lines are getting a little out of hand, so let’s take a break and check in on things in the big city.
We begin with Rachel at a hair salon, where she expresses that she wants a transformation to shed some old skin to look completely different. She arrives for Funny Girl rehearsal with a new haircut – THIS HAIRCUT. Let’s talk for a second about this haircut. If Drew Barrymore from Scream and Joan Cusack from Addams Family Values had a baby by way of Velma Dinkley and every news anchorwoman ever, even that baby would not want this awful bob haircut (which I’m naming The Rachel, By Patricia Heaton).
At rehearsal, Rupert the director (Carlisle Cullen from Twilight, playing a mortal, against type) hates the haircut and demands Rachel explain herself. “I’m not a prop,” says Rachel, who would be wearing a wig in the show anyway so everyone needs to just calm down. They decide to rehearse.
Ioan Gruffudd (better known as Mr. Fantastic) is playing Nick in Funny Girl, and we’re treated to a fairly well-done version of “You Are Woman, I Am Man,” a catchy song about chauvinism (ohhhh now I understand why it’s the Robin Thicke episode). The song works, and Rupert feels the need to interrupt the song to applaud Rachel’s haircut for elevating the material (meaning he’s really got to be a bad director). Finally, a win for Rachel! She’s so happy! Grade: B+ (for happiness).
But we’ve been duped! Rachel gets home and reveals to Kurt that her grisly coif was actually a wig! See, Rachel was being rebellious, she explains. Kurt is surprised that Rachel would lie to the director, and Rachel responds by calling him boring. “You go to class, and then you come home and you watch your stories and you eat all this food and you Skype with Blaine,” she says, describing my entire life. Poor Kurt! (He started a band! That counts, right?) Kurt suggests that Rachel’s rebelliousness has to do with Finn, and she doesn’t exactly deny it. The two decide to go do something crazy together.
They head to a trashy tattoo parlor called Anesthesia. Rachel busts out a bottle of limoncello. Naturally, the rest of the night is a (you guessed it) blur, and the next morning, Kurt wakes up with a shoulder tattoo that says “It’s Get Better,” a cringeworthy typo that’s forever printed on Kurt’s skin thanks to a royal screw-up by Anesthesia’s tattoo artist, Dustin Hoffman-from-Hook. Even worse than the typo: Rachel flaked out and didn’t get a tattoo, leaving Kurt inked and irritated with his supposedly edgy friend. (I’m not going to acknowledge that Kurt suddenly has abs and lats.)
Kurt storms back into the tattoo parlor, where Hook tells him that “It’s Get Better” is exactly what he asked for. Hook asks why Kurt is even getting a tattoo, and Kurt naturally opens up about his entire life to this stranger. Hook gives him a pep talk about finding “the juice of life” (which, it turns out, is not Jamba) and then invites him to really take a risk…
…and ta-da! Kurt returns to the loft with a tongue piercing, and an amended tattoo that says “It’s Got Bette Midler.” He accepts his rebelliousness and goes off to chastely Skype with Blaine. Rachel says she’s not sure if she loves anything enough to have a tattoo of it on her body for the next 50 years. And although Kurt now has a stupid tongue ring and Rachel pulled that stupid prank with the wig, I can forgive it all because Rachel goes into the bathroom and looks at her midriff tattoo, a simple cursive type that says “Finn.” And it’s f***king perfect.
NEXT: More Miley misery at McKinley