At auditions, Kurt has only managed to secure a table for two, leaving Demi-Dani to sit on the stage looking bored like a Judy Blume character who wandered into Hot Topic and bought a leather jacket just to spite her mom and her heinous new boyfriend Jerry. “No one’s going to try out for a band that doesn’t even have a name,” says Santana, looking fabulous. “We’re not naming it Apocalipsticks,” says Kurt, as if that’s not absolutely something he would have suggested in season three. Only one person has signed up for the auditions, but he’s a no-show…until Kurt calls out his name! “Who names themselves Starchild?”
Ta-da! It’s Adam Lambert! The American Idol alum pops in with steampunk goggles, fingerless Fagin gloves, a jaunty hat, and high boots that look like that one Spice Girl who wears high boots (Paprika?). His name is Starchild, and he’s late because people kept stopping him on the street to ask for his picture.
Starchild takes the stage, prefacing his audition song: “It’s by one of my favorite artists, somebody that always inspires me to be myself, no matter what other people think.” Is it Raffi? No, it’s Gaga! Cue “Marry the Night,” in which Lambert sounds freaking incredible and all sorts of hilarious things happen.
Starchild sings and wails, swinging from the chandelier and hitting the ground to make sweet hardwood (hehe) love to the floorboards. Demi-Dani is jamming with her mouth half-open like she’s in a girl power romcom during the let’s-clean-the-house montage. Santana is also loving it, and busts out her phone to Vine the whole thing. But Kurt is Not. Having. It. Much like McKayla Maroney or Grumpycat, homeboy is simply not impressed. He tells Starchild that he’s not a fit for the band, prompting Santana’s best line of the night: “Are you insane? I’m sorry, would you mind just stepping outside for a moment while I bitch-slap some sense into my friend?”
Kurt says Starchild has a striking aesthetic, but is “a little outré” (o͞oˈtrā/ adjective 1. unusual and startling) for the team that he’s assembling. (Suddenly, I have a vision of Chris Colfer as Nick Fury, and I never want to forget it.) And then Kurt drops the bomb of bombs, the un-Kurtiest of Kurtisms: “If you’re willing to tone down your look, maybe I’d reconsider.” GIIIIIIIRL! Did you just say that? You, who has worn things like a sheriff belt and Beetlejuice pants and whatever this was? Kurt is waxing hypocritical, which can only mean one thing: He’s threatened.
NEXT: I don’t spend one page on a single scene