Glee recap: CLAP On, CLAP Off

Glee talks about sex, baby; it's not very sexy. Artie deals with an STD. Blaine and Kurt deal with intimacy issues, and Sam and Mercedes deal with no sex at all.
Ep. 16 | Aired Apr 15, 2014

Over with everyone’s two favorite hopeful child grooms, Blaine is making Kurt a dinner consisting of only cream-based dishes, either because he’s still trying to level the chubby playing field, or because he’s just craving some potatoes au gratin. Trying to begin getting Blaine back on track physically and mentally -- but after Blaine has already cooked everything -- Kurt tells him they can’t eat all that and they should walk to their movie and grab salad on the way instead. The thing about Kurt these days is, while he frequently still says he loves Blaine and wants to be with him, he doesn’t really seem to have all that much fun with him anymore. He has even less fun when he opens Blaine's computer to look up movie times and finds Frat Boi Physicals staring him in the face, when they haven’t been physical themselves in over a week. That is what we call an abrupt adult transition.

Kurt leaves in a fury of fitness and hurt, but the two still have to be together the next day in Stage Combat class, where all the craziest sh-t goes down. With a very angry face, Kurt whispers that he’s not still angry about the porn site while the teacher tells them they’ll be doing some hand-to-had combat today. Blaine tells him they need to talk about it and Kurt, bless him, levels him with a stare and says, “Sometimes, I think we talk too much.” Cue “Love is a Battlefield” with bow staffs! We haven’t had a fully structured choreographed number like this since Cassandra July, and I will happily accept the Game of Thrones prop additions. I thought Darren Criss and Chris Colfer’s voices harmonized perfectly here, in addition to some on point lyrcis: “We are young” – that’s true! “No promises, no demands” – that is less true! A

I was flying high on adrenaline until the two were asked to fence and really went after each other. I thought it was Kurt getting aggressive with Blaine, but later, Kurt confronts Blaine about why he came at him so hard in class. Then, things take a really foreboding turn. Blaine basically says that for the first time in his life he feels like he’s losing, and with Kurt being so much stronger and in command of his own life now, he feels like the power dynamic in their relationship has shifted. He liked when they first met and he had to protect Kurt and now he feels like he doesn’t need him anymore.

Kurt takes all this in – the idea that Blaine only ever liked him because he was weaker than him, and a pretty strong implication that he has only recently begun to notice that he's a physically attractive man – and tells Blaine that maybe it is a contest. Maybe that’s how it has to be with two guys. But he wants them to always be equals in the race and he needs to know when Blaine is feeling insecure. Blaine is scared that Kurt will keep getting stronger (red flag!!!) and realize he doesn’t need him anymore. Kurt assures him that will never be the case and they sweetly hug it out in their stylish sweaters. I mean, I guess, but that all felt like a REAL base-level irreconcilable difference.

RACHEL SIGHTING Rachel and Mercedes are having some girl time in Rachel’s apartment, thank goodness. They’re both thankful to have a girlfriend to confide in, and Mercedes is in real need right about now. She asks Rachel about her first time, because she says doesn’t need hers to be a big deal, but she does think it should be special. Prepare your heartbreaking mechanisms: “My first time was at his house…it was with him and I loved him and he loved me.” She doesn’t have to say Finn’s name; the simultaneous happiness and sadness on her face at the memory say it all. Mercedes still doesn’t know if she’s ready, but Rachel assures her she may never know when she’s ready, but she’ll know when she’s found the right person.

Both Sam and Artie have brought their hopefully right people, Mercedes and Julie, to the Spotlight Diner. Sam is doing his best to treat Mercedes to a nice date, while Artie is so freaked out by his own STD that he’s hearing everything Julie and Kurt the Waiter are saying as a venereal disease: “Would you recommend the wart burger with grilled scabies or the fettuccini in chlamydia sauce?” Tough call on that one. I believe Artie finally orders the pus-filled Reuben, but he wants to keep things on the up and up with Julie, so he tells her maybe they should wait 7 – 10 days before they consider having sex. She’s all, Bro, I don’t know who you’ve been dating, but we’ve been going out for about an hour, so your junk hadn’t really crossed my mind yet.

That should really ease his mind, and yet he takes her out to the river walk to sing Janet Jackson’s “Let’s Wait Awhile” to her while Mercedes also serenades Sam. It’s super weird because neither Julie nor Same have really been saying let’s NOT wait awhile, but Julie being totally freaked out the whole time really sells it for me. Poor girl…she’s probably not even used to singing groups of friends, let alone those friends getting together to sing in a horizontal line after separate dates. B

NEXT: But for real, let's wait a very specific amount of "awhile"...

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