Jake really likes Marley, so after that auditorium mishap he went to talk to the worst person ever for advice – the other guy who likes Marley, Ryder. Yes, yes, Ryder and Jake are friends, but it's a safe bet this tentative friendship only has a few more weeks left in it before it all goes south. Anyway, Ryder told Jake that as sexy as it is when guys take off their clothes to support an extracurricular high school activity, it’s even sexier when they make the first move and tell a girl they love her. Ryder is a wise one. How on earth is he still single at McKinley? Tina should look into that and spend less time on her still-strong-but-going-nowhere crush on Blaine.
In New York City, everyone was getting naked as well. Or, at least, talking about it a lot. After auditioning for a student film (no good ever comes after that sentence), Rachel assured the senior director she had no problem with a topless scene. And, at the moment, she didn’t. She introspectively belted her way through “Torn,” with harmonies by old “Kindergarten Grandma” Rachel, and came to the conclusion that this grown-up, sexy lady was who she was now. People who weren’t on board with that "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" decision? Kurt. He was understandably frustrated because Naked Brody had overtaken their Brooklyn apartment -- in his words, Slutty Barbie and Misogynist Ken were at it again.
Kurt didn’t seem able to let Rachel make her own decisions about her life. When she didn’t appear to be listening to him, he called for backup: Santana and Quinn, who were all too happy to drop everything and come to New York to convince Rachel that showing the world her chest was a decision she would definitely regret. (Side note: This whole subplot was particularly amusing when one considers that the ship has totally sailed when it comes to Lea Michele, her chest, and her incredible Broadway work in Spring Awakening.)
Santana reminded Rachel she already had a sex tape, and she definitely regretted it. Quinn offered the best piece of advice, asking Rachel to apply the 2-2-2 rule. Would she regret her topless choice in two weeks? No. Two months? No. Two years? Rachel admitted she probably would. Santana then went in for the overdramatic kill, telling Rachel her future children would one day see it online. Despite their talk, Rachel showed up to set, but when it came time to drop the robe – even after the crew took their tops off as well – she just couldn’t do it. Who knows what parts the future may hold, but: “I just realized I’m not ready to be naked now,” she explained. And with that, she slo-mo bounced off, joining Santana and Quinn on a different auditorium stage for a spirited, fun version of “Love Song.” As the three walked off, Santana shared she loved NYC and was in no hurry to get back to Kentucky. Will she be joining the Glee in the City crew? Likely. (Now if we could just get Blaine out there…)
NEXT: The calendar helps declare a declaration of love, plus musical grades!