It’s the day of auditions for the living nativity scene, which apparently involves a singing element, because why not? Beiste, Schue and Artie (for some reason) are judging the auditions, the first of which is Marley, Tina and Unique singing “Mary’s Boy Child.” Now, I’ve never heard this song before, but damn if I wasn’t jamming on my couch like a toddler with a Wiggles DVD while Tina and Marley did their best not to be too offensive in their vaguely island accents. I give it an A- because it was FABULOUS. Beiste is impressed, but Kitty decides to audition herself since, again, she’s normal.
Cut to Mr. Schue teaching something: “And that’s why ancient Egyptians regarded dung beetles as sacred,” he says to no one. On the morning announcements (which I used to do in high school, and once forgot the Pledge of Allegiance during), Sue announces the runners-up for the tree contest: the Biology Club, the 420 Club, and Beiste’s football team. The winner is the glee club, and everyone rejoices. Well, that was dramatic.
At the same time, Schue and Beiste post the Nativity Cast List, which I’ve transcribed for your benefit: Artie is Melchior, Unique is Balthasar, Blaine is Gabriel, Tina is Caspar, Sam and Ryder are Shepherds, Jake is Joseph, Marley is the Virgin Mary and Kitty is a villager. Kitty is upset that Marley got to play Mary, and she even goes so far as to play the religion card -- but Kitty depressingly reveals that she doesn’t have the spirit to play the Virgin Mary. No, she’s much more a Mary Magdalene, she reveals, as she sulks away to go get stoned (the 2013 way, not the 1st century BC way).
In a bizarre turn of events, Becky — who has mistakenly decorated her tree with all green things instead of green things — gives Sam and Tina her old teeth (WTF?) as a sort of I-lost-but-I’m-going-to-give-you-a-gift-for-some-reason consolation prize. Becky reveals what we were all thinking: She half-assed the contest because she had to go watch Gigolos on Showtime. Well, Sam and Tina are upset with this notion, and they decide to LIE and tell Becky that there was a recount, and she won! Look at how all that worked out.
At rehearsal for the nativity scene, Unique and her Wise Men (Tina and Marley) sing Diana Ross & the Supremes’ “Love Child,” and it’s the second-best cover of it I’ve seen (the first, of course, is Whoopi Goldberg’s brief homage during Sister Act). Kitty is mortified by what’s going on, and it makes sense, since this nativity scene is about as church-appropriate as my Bar Mitzvah speech. She offers to play the Virgin Mary -- the right way or not at all -- and Unique gives up the role in a surprisingly non-characteristic way. But oh well, it’s Christmas so I’ll roll with it.
The actual nativity scene involves the cast singing “Away in a Manger,” and Becky makes a special cameo as baby Jesus in a costume that’s only embarrassing if you think it is (and it is). So, that happened. The song is fine, but by this point, this episode has been such a ridiculous mess that I’m going to give it a % symbol and the key F4 because taking this seriously doesn’t seem to even matter at this point.
NEXT: There's nothing — really, nothing — like New York at Christmas