Meanwhile, after surviving hours of solitary confinement in an unlocked room, Jessa visits her rehab father figure (who just assumed they'd eventually have sex). He's just as complicated as she is -- and has been popping pills this whole time, she'll find out -- but I like a lot of the wise thought-droppings he offers her, such as "You're too young to understand which thoughts are useless to you." Oh, man, ain't that the truth. Been there. Been younger. Yet even as you grow up and make significant strides toward mental progress, you still pretty much feel like a child anyway. Sometimes I think that's the entire point of this show. But ANYWAY. Shosh has an important question for Adam.
"What's your favorite utensil?" Shoshanna demands of Adam in a rustic roadside restaurant. Uhhhhh. Fork. "Okay, that is crazy. Like, why would you want cold metal prongs stabbing you in the tongue, when instead you could have food, like, delivered into your mouth on a soft, pillowy cloud?"
Whoa. Duuuuuuuude. Shoshanna just like, totally reframed the concept of utensils. Who knew clouds were even an option? Is she just describing the way it feels when you order from Seamless, or is there something deeper involved? Adam's mind has clearly been blown.
"Wwwwwwhat did you just say?" Perfect.
Hannah leaves her pet/boyfriend with the cloud-computer for a second time and turns the restroom into her own living space in order to call Marnie and basically gloat that Marnie has been left out of the road trip. F*ck, Hannah -- take your f*cking feet off the sink area, okay? Just because you don't have boundaries and this establishment is beneath you doesn't mean other people don't exist. I'm not even that horrified by germs, and clearly I'm seething. A nerve has been struck! Girls has done it again!
Ooh, and Marnie's moved into her own Manhattan studio. Pardon my euphemism, please. "You have to come over and see Marnie's new sh*tbox!" her mother Evie (Rita Wilson) encourages Hannah, who is almost as enraged that she's been on speakerphone this whole time as I am about Hannah's feet on the sink.
Hannah's terrible, horrible, no good very bad day continues as she realizes in the backseat that perhaps this uneventful road trip is maybe not a metaphor and is therefore of no use to her book. "It's just so similar to other road trips that I've seen in, like, various media. It's like a Don Henley song." Nothing is going her way. Shoshanna's souvenir rocking chair (tragically ditched at the end of the ep -- nooooo, it was my favorite character) wasn't giving Hannah any room to express herself. Ugh, life sucks!
Adam. Truth talk. "Boredom is bullshit. Boredom is for lazy people who have no imagination." Yep! "I will never be bored as long as there's Halloween," chirps Shosh. Now that I'm thinking of her as a computer, her random, auto-generated line recitations make much more sense.
An incredibly lame Truth or Dare dare from Shosh ("Kiss Hannah") reminds Adam that he needs to cum, otherwise he can't fall asleep. Out you go, lil' sis! Shosh cozies up to the vending machine in a motel that's clearly supposed to be crappy but has such an amazing teal/mustard color scheme that I simply do not believe this to be true. Meanwhile, Adam baby-talks Hannah, because that's how they do foreplay now. "Are you gonna turn that frown upside down?" "Yeah, I'm gonna do it." Are you as turned on as I am?
NEXT: Adam takes a hike