Of course, as soon as the girls arrive for mindless self-centered discussion, we side with Adam, who really doesn't need to be there for this, it turns out. Shoshanna's justifying her promiscuity by claiming a balance of freedom and academic focus. "I think that sounds smart and strong and feminist," offers Hannah. There's no way she's really listening; whenever the girls are together, the puffs of self-indulgence almost visibly emanate from each chair and never intersect. "Really smart," agrees Marnie, whose entire existence is still understandably wrapped up in how Charlie ditched her (which coincides appropriately with Christopher Abbott leaving the show), right when they had purchased the ingredients for grilled pizzas. (LOL at grilled pizzas, of course.) "If you can avoid love and feelings and matters of the heart and soul," suggests Marnie, "you will be so much better off."
"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard," announces Adam, and then he launches into one of his FIERCE TRUTH TALKS. Honestly, Girls should market this. I'd spend…hmm, I don't know, maybe $39.99 (tops) on an Adam toy that just delivered sh*t to you straight, right when you need a reality check. He told Marnie about an ex-girlfriend from Colombia the country/Columbia University whom he never truly knew at all. I'll let Adam's eloquence take over: "Just because I tasted her cum and spit and could tell you her middle name or a record she liked, that's not a connection. Anyone could have that. Really knowing someone is something else. It's a completely different thing, and when it happens, you won't be able to miss it. You will be aware. And you won't hurt. Or be afraid. Okay?"
Gah! Adam! He's such a turd, then suddenly he's a gleaming gem. One of the best love-hate characters ever.
After some passionate but not too animalistic sex, Adam and Hannah's tattoos reflect on the evening with her friends. "I hate them so much more when I'm not in the same place as them!" Hannah exclaims. So it's a….compliment? Spending time with them in person is a teensy bit less intolerable than thinking about the idea of them? Again, Hannah: Make more friends. You do not like these friends.
But another friend, an unknown caller, is on the line. It's abandonment expert Jessa, who last abandoned Hannah at the train station near her dad's house. She needs to be rescued from rehab. And 24-year-old eBook ingenues cannot rent their own cars. Guess what, Adam? We're going on a ROAD TRIP! [Huge thud as Adam drops out of bed to the floor as if in a body bag.]
As Maroon 5 would have it, we've got "One More Night'"s worth of Girls in this two-part premiere. So crank up the radio… before Adam aggressively punches it out! Good one, guys. Never seen that one before.
"We are really giving of ourselves, being, like, models of female friendship," says Shoshanna in the backseat. No need for the real deal. Constructing a diorama of friendship will do just fine. "I am giving up so much writing time, all for her," whines Hannah. "This isn't for my health."
NEXT: 'What's your favorite utensil'?