Game of Thrones season premiere recap: A Storm of Swords and Swingers

Our recap of HBO's fantasy hit returns!
Ep. 01 | Aired Apr 6, 2014

Swinging for Vengeance: "My name is Prince Oberyn Martell. You killed my sister. Prepare to die."

Dany returns to her army and is annoyed two members of her entourage are missing -- dashing sellsword leader Daario Naharis and neutered Unsullied leader Grey Worm. She's irritated they're making a queen wait. But while she's been lounging in the dragon park, thousands of her troops have apparently been standing in full armor in formation in the sun so I'm kinda thinking she's the jerk here.

Daario is--- hey, Daario, have you had some work done? New haircut? Different coloring? Maybe an entirely new actor playing you? You know, it's tough enough to remember who all these people are without the producers changing actors between seasons too, like, "Ha, try and figure out who this guy is now." I suspect you're not complaining since last season's blonde, long-haired Daario was slammed as "Fabio" by readers. The new guy (played by Michiel Huisman) seems more masculine and charismatic. I'm also suspect with Jaime shaving this season, the show's Beard Quota needed to be maintained.

Anyway, Daario and Grey Worm have been doing a contest of how long they can hold out a sword without dropping it. This should be a Survivor immunity challenge next season.

King's Landing: Sad Sansa is sad. Sad even by Sansa standards, which are super high. She is not tempted by Pigeon Pie. She is not even tempted by Lemon Cakes. And she loves Lemon Cakes! Can you believe that even a tasty dessert can't make her forgot her brother and mother were brutally murdered by her father-in-law? Tyrion feels frustrated. There's nothing he can do to help her, his presence just makes things worse. Sansa says she lies awake all night thinking of The Red Wedding, and more than a few fans can relate. Has Tyrion tried giving her a brownie sundae? Because a brownie sundae should get Sansa to forget about her uncle Edmure, at least.

Later, Tyrion turns down Shae for sex, despite her finger-licking move. I suspect Prince Oberyn would appreciate Shae, they could flick candles and lick fingers all day. Tyrion is trying to distance himself from Shae, trying to emotionally disconnect, because he fears for her safety. So far we've seen Tyrion turn down whores at the brothel, turn down Shae, and won't molest his "child bride" Sansa. It's quite a celibate reversal for one of the most lusty characters on the show.

Meanwhile: Cersei and disgraced maester Qyburn present Jaime with a golden metal hand to "replace" his lost sword hand. It's rather awesome appendage bling, but there's something insulting about it, too. Cersei is trying to make her brother/lover appear whole again as she's angered by the loss of his real hand and doesn't want to accept how he's changed. Once alone, she rebuffs his attempts at twincest, partly because Jaime was once her protection. After he was captured, she had to learn to survive on her own. Now Jaime's back and appears less strong and capable in her eyes. Selfish Cersei just looks at him like -- What do I you need you for now? "You took too long," she explains.

NEXT: Enter the space jockeys

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