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WEDDING TACKLE Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) endures a demeaning evening.
Tyrion and Sansa's wedding is as painfully awkward as you imagined, while Melisandre ensnares Gendry| Published May 19, 2013
Home stretch. Tonight's Game of Thrones is the most focused episode we've seen since Blackwater. The vast majority of the hour was spent in only three locations: Yunkai, Dragonstone and, of course, King's Landing, where Tyrion tied the knot with Sansa in one of the most awkward
shotgun crossbow-weddings ever. No Robb, Jaime, Brienne, Bran, Jon or Ygritte this week. But at least we get a little time with...
Woods: Arya wakes. Her nails are really gross. Stunt nails? She grabs a rock and goes to bash her sleeping captor The Hound and finally cross one name off her death wish list. But then: "I'll give you one try, girl. Kill me and you're free. But if I live, I'll break both your hands." Ayra wisely decides to let the sleeping dog lie.
Later, The Hound rides his horse with Arya awkwardly sitting in front of him. She thinks he's the worst person ever, which we know is not true. But he's a convenient person to hate. He reveals he's actually taking her to meet her brother Robb and her mom at her uncle's wedding at The Twins. He figures the Starks will pay him a finder's fee. The way this season is going, we half expect these two to be forced to marry each other.
Yunkai: Daenerys of Arabia peers down at the walled city of Yunkai. The city has hired a sellsword company called the Second Sons, which Ser Barristan agrees could be "enough to make a difference" in a fight. Dany wants to meet their leader, who like every Thrones character has a cool nickname -- Titan's Bastard. She's confident he'll agree to a meeting: "A man who fights for gold can't afford to lose to a girl."
Titan's Bastard arrives in Dany's tent. Pretty much from the moment he sits down chummily next to Dany we know he won't survive this episode and we're counting the minutes until he gets killed. He says Dany reminds him of a booty-licking prostitute and demands to see her naked to know if she's worth fighting for (Thrones fans have already seen Dany naked and can vouch). If Dany's dragons were in the tent, they would have roasted this guy without prompting (and they should be in the tent, logically, since she's meeting with three dangerous rivals, but let's just say the dragons were busy saving the producers some coin).
One of the Titan's lieutenants -- Daario -- makes moony eyes at Dany. He looks like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, all blond and smirky and ready for his cover shoot for a trashy romance novel. (Sorry George R.R. Martin fans, no blue beard for Daario, but are you complaining?).
The Second Sons argue they must uphold their contract to the city of Yunkai. "Ride with me and you'll never need another contract," Dany counters. "A fortnight ago I had no army. A year ago I had no dragons." She gives them a couple days to make up their minds and some wine to help think it over.
Back at the Second Sons camp, Daario and the others discuss the merits of whores vs. no-whores. Daario is too proud to pay for sex. He says he fights "for beauty," which I'm assuming means a quality bronzer and volumizing hair products.
Titan's Bastard decides one of them should sneak into Dany's camp and assassinate The Dragon Queen. Sound strategy. He tells the girl to pass out three coins -- no peeking! -- and whoever draws a certain coin must do the deed. I like that the girl keeps her eyes closed and lamely stumbles around instead simply not looking at her hand. Daario draws the fated coin.
NEXT: Melisandre ties up Gendry