Dragonstone: Oh look, Dragonstone is gloomy and rainy for a change. Stannis is fretting about the news of Joffrey's death. He thinks Melisandre's leech curse last season might have killed him. Davos has rallied houses to Stannis' cause but since Melisandre might have killed Joffrey he still looks like a slacker by comparison (Did Melisandre's magic kill Joffrey? I have a very interesting quote from Martin after I asked him about the whole leeches thing, but I'm saving it for after another episode this season).
Davos goes for his reading lesson with Stannis' teen daughter Shireen, who has the worst kid's room ever. The Iron Bank of Braavos is mentioned. You know, the bank that the crown owes so much money. Waaaaait a second -- Davos has an idea! He asks young Shireen to draft a letter to the bank that impersonates her father. You have to wonder how the Iron Bank is going to react when they see the mighty Stannis wrote them a letter in loopy purple-pen handwriting.
King's Landing: The polyamorus Oberyn and Ellari are enjoying a sex smorgasbord at the brothel. The prince explains he doesn't "choose sides in love" and that those who are not bi are "missing half the world's pleasure." Oberyn's love-fest is interrupted by the aforementioned orgasm-delaying Tywin Lannister.
First Tyrion pops in here during the premiere, now here comes Tywin -- these Lannisters sure do enjoy interrupting Oberyn in the brothel, don't they? And is Oberyn really having such long sex marathons that they can't simply wait for him to return to his regular quarters? Or is he actually living in the brothel?
Tywin asks Oberyn some crafty true detective questions about Joffrey's murder. But either Tywin doesn't really suspect Obyern or is quickly assured of his innocence. Oberyn fires back an accusation of his own -- that The Mountain murdered his sister on Tywin's orders. The Lannister patriarch "categorically" denies the rumor with an oily tongue (I believe Tywin on the rape part, but he seems like the kind of detail-oriented leader who would communicate an opinion about whether the king's family should survive his attack). Tywin offers a deal: He will arrange an introduction between Oberyn and The Mountain if Oberyn serves on Tyrion's jury panel along with himself and Mace Tyrell. Bonus: Oberyn is also offering a seat on the small council, which definitely surprises Oberyn and us.
Tywin explains that in the east, "a Targaryen girl has three dragons," and our ears perk up. Tywin explains that "before long" Dany will turn her eyes to Westeros, which is news to us who have been watching her progress on the show. Tywin points out that the Seven Kingdoms are not whole until Dorne becomes a full partner again. He also notes the Dornish were the only people who managed to resist the previous Targaryen invasion of Westeros -- presumably by wearing them out by having lots sex with them (sex with the Targaryens, I mean, not with their dragons, though I wouldn't rule that out either).
Tywin is so smooth here. He knows exactly how to play the prince and the first time since we've met him Oberyn is speechless.
NEXT: Let me kill this man for you and look sexy doing it