Cersei is mourning, while Tywin immediately starts getting his talons into Joffrey's brother Tommen, who is confirmed in this conversation that he will become king. All these people across Westeros and Essos are vying for the Iron Throne, dying for it, season after season, and here it is now being given to a kid who couldn't care less.
Cersei says its not the time or the place to start grooming Tommen and for once she's right about something. But Tywin cant resist. He quizzes Tommen on what's the best quality for a king to have. From the couch I shout "paranoia!" but that's apparently wrong. Tommen also repeatedly guesses incorrectly until he finally stumbles on the right answer with "wisdom" which of course Tywin values most. "Your brother was not a wise king, your brother was not a good king ... if he had been, perhaps he'd still be alive," Tywin says.
All this is pretty harsh on Cersei. She loses one son, and then while she's grieving her father is literally taking her other son away, ushering him right out of the room. As they're on their way out Tywin starts to veer toward explaining how men and women have sex -- "it's all relatively straightforward..." It's tough to imagine a person you want a sex-ed lecture from less than Tywin Lannister. More than one male Thrones fan has probably actually thought of Tywin during sex for the express purpose of not prematurely doing something that might continue his family line, as it were.
The actor who plays Joffrey tries hard not look like he's breathing (Jack Gleeson told me he "got to sleep all day" while shooting this scene). Cersei tries to convince Jaime to kill Tyrion. But Jaime doesn't seem so certain of their brother's guilt. They start making out, but the moment Cersei feels Jaime's cold metal hand against her face she flinches and pulls away. This really upsets Ser Blue Balls. "Why have the gods made me love a hateful woman," he cries.
So then Jaime ... well ... no other way to put this, really. He rapes his sister beside their corpse of their murdered son. This is the same guy who protected Brienne from a similar fate last year ("Similar"? Or the same? Debate away). "It's not right," Cersei says, and that's an understatement -- though "it's not right" has been their relationship from the start. Thankfully, this is not a CBS reality show or we'd be prompted to tweet about this with a #rapecest hashtag.
Riverlands: Arya and The Hound meet a nice farmer and his nice daughter. The farmer gives them good shelter and rabbit stew, which is "really good." He offers them honest pay for honest work. The Hound robs him and tells Arya they were too weak and would have died anyway. Arya is furious -- "You're the worst s--t in the Seven Kingdoms!" And The Hound delivers a big line: "I just understand the way things are ... how many Starks do they got to behead before you figure it out?" Oh, burn...
Castle Black: Sam is worrying about his semi-Wildling love interest Gilly who he rescued from Craster last season and is now staying at the castle. He's not worrying about the fact the entire Wildling army is headed toward the castle -- well, he is, but he's seemingly far more worried about fellow members of the Night's Watch trying to assault her. "I worry about it all the time," he frets. "There's a 100 men lying awake at night picturing you." No offense to Gilly, but that's probably a little high. "What about you?" Gilly asks. But isn't it obvious? Sam is lying awake thinking about 100 men thinking about her.
So Sam takes her to Molestown and sets her up ... where does Sam set her up, viewers? Where do you put a woman you're really worried about being sexually assaulted? That's right, a whorehouse! Slow clap for Sam the Slayer.
He tells the proprietor "no other work" for Gilly, but then puts her in a barren room with no window or bed. Hope those kitchen wages are enough to pay for what she and her baby need or "other work" might not be a choice. Sam assures she is safer there, except perhaps from freezing to death with that open window. Isn't winter coming? Pretty sure I heard that somewhere.
NEXT: Tywin interrupts an orgy