THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON SNAFU Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is here to kick ass and speak High Valyrian. And she's all out of High Valyrian.
Meanwhile Varys is informed by Ros that Littlefinger has two feather-beds in his cabin for his journey to the Eyrie. Is he planing to steal away Sansa when he departs? And aren't we a little surprised pervy Littlefinger just wouldn't have one bed and tell Sansa after she's on board: "Hey sweetie, so there's only one bed in the cabin; I didn't want anybody to get suspicious about my plans. Now relax, it's a long voyage. Here, drink this."
Sept of Baelor: Joffrey is gleefully recounting the horrifying history of King's Landing to a convincingly excited-looking Margaery. They're inside the Sept of Baelor, the center of King's Landing religious worship and the site of their upcoming wedding. Nearby, we get a brief bit with Lady Olenna trying to bond with Cersei as the Queen Regent eyes her warily, trying to figure out what her angle is.
Margaery convinces Joffrey to go outside and greet the crowd. They're screaming for her, but she convinces Joffrey it's him they really want. They step into the sunshine and Cersei recoils from the scene like a vampire. Margaery shows Joffrey how to do the Disneyland parade-float wave. Joffrey's mom doesn't like this at all.
Woods/Tunnels: The Boy is leading Theon to his sister, he claims, through a series of tunnels. The Boy suggests that Theon's father knew he was being tortured, and that sends Theon into a spiral of reflection about his murderously stupid actions last season.
Theon keeps saying "I could never be Stark," like he's trying to convince himself. Then Theon says something extraordinary: "I paid the Iron Price for Winterfell... I murdered these boys... poor orphans living with the farmer... so I could keep Winterfell, and make my father proud... my real father lost his head at King's Landing… I made a choice, and I chose wrong, and now I've burned everything down!"
Ohhh! Heart-breaking! Once again this scene sparks an emotional clash: "Theon is suffering!" vs. "He killed those orphans!"
Then the Boy brings Theon into -- the very dungeon he escaped from. The men put him back on the cross. "I brought him back; he killed the others," the Boy says as Theon freaks out. "Put him back where he belongs."
Wait what? So what is this Boy's agenda? Who is he? And is he really an underling or is he in charge? To prevent any spoilers from leaking, this mysterious character was only referred to as "Boy" on the Thrones set and in the scripts.
Camp: Jaime is dying and refuses to eat. Brienne pushes back: "One misfortune and you've given up." Jaime is incredulous, explaining he lost his sword hand: "I was that hand." Brienne lays into him, saying he sounds like a "bloody woman." Jaime is no dummy. You can tell he knows Brienne is trying to manipulate him. But it still works and he eats.
Brienne then notes her family's "sapphire isle" isn't really wealthy, so Jaime's whole story to her captors was a lie to rescue her. "Why did you help me?" she asks. Jaime doesn't say anything. He probably doesn't know. I'm sure he wishes he hadn't said a damn thing. Thinking about Jaime's ethics makes my head hurt.
NEXT: Craster gets what he deserves