Game of Thrones recap: Enter the Dragon

The dragon is unleashed as Daenerys seizes control of her destiny in a stunning game-changing episode
Ep. 04 | Aired Apr 21, 2013

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON SNAFU Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is here to kick ass and speak High Valyrian. And she's all out of High Valyrian. 

The wizard who cut Varys! His mouth is sewn shut. How does he eat? Oh, and Tyrion had a reason to actually be in this scene that we've now totally forgotten about. Oh yes -- he wants proof Cersei tried to have him killed. Varys says, "I have no doubt the revenge you want will be yours in time... if you have the stomach for it."

The moral here: If you mutilate a boy to commune with dark gods, you should kill him afterward to make sure he doesn't seek revenge. See, who says Thrones doesn't contain life lessons? Also: Come to think of it, Varys totally looks like a Bond villain. Something out of... oh... don't make me spend 20 minutes brainstorming title puns... From Braavos, With Love? ... On Her Majesty's Queensguard?... Moon Door Raker?... All Men Must Live and Let Die?

Craster's Keep: Back to Craster's place, that twisted version of the Farmer's Daughter joke. Samwell is trying to talk to Gilly. He wants to know what her boy's name is. He's being annoying, and she rightly returns his sentimental and worthless gift from last season. "I don't want your stupid thimble," she says. "I want to save my baby's life. Can you do that?" I'm sure Craster would tell him: "Women, they always want something!"

Meanwhile the Night's Watch are grousing about working at Craster's farm. Frankly, I agree with the men -- Craster colludes with the White Walkers, kills babies and molests his daughters. How evil does somebody need to be for you to judge him as unfit to continue living? F--- him. If killing Craster means one more of the Lord Commander's men having enough food to survive the trip back to The Wall, how is that a hard choice? I realize Craster has a valuable outpost that assists the Night's Watch during their sojourns North. So kill him and turn it over to his daughters. Or maybe post a couple men there to protect them. The Lord Commander doesn't want to let his men bully him. But does he really want to die protecting Craster?

To play fair, here's the counter-argument: I'm speculating, but maybe the only way this outpost can exist is via Craster's baby-sacrificing pact with the White Walkers. Also, there are hospitality laws in Westeros that make it a big sin to kill a man in his own hall once you've partaken of his "bread and salt." Still: I vote for ending Craster, abandoning the post and bringing his women back to the safe side of The Wall because winter is coming. Who's with me? Rah!

King's Landing: Thrones teases us about Podrick's sexual adventures in the brothel last week. Ros says Tyrion's young squire is the "most extraordinary man they've ever had," yet is not exceptionally well hung.

There's a theory on the boards that Tyrion might have orchestrated this whole thing to bolster Podrick's confidence. I don't know if that's true or not. But you'll recall we pointed out in the season 1 recaps that pretty much every couple on the show was doing the same Doggy Style sex position. That is, until Dany introduced Drogo to the exotic wonders of girl-on-top (a.k.a. Cowgirl). So perhaps Littlefinger's staff was similarly clueless? Maybe Podrick introduced more advanced positions to the Seven Kingdoms -- such as The Frog Leap, or Asian Cowgirl, or Folded Deck Chair or The Golden Gate or The Jellyfish or The Reverse Amazon. Surely not The Triple Lindy, though. That one is dangerous if not impossible, requiring "the strength of Superman and the dexterity of Spider-Man" according to Urban Dictionary.

NEXT: Theon has a lousy sense of direction

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