Dragonstone: Hey, Stannis survived. And he's very annoyed. His lover Melisandre's psychic flames, it seems, weren't accurate in predicting his victory. But if you're going around trusting a fireplace to tell your future during wartime, you get what you deserve.
He starts choking the hell out of her. "Where's your god now?" he asks.
He lets her goes, then says something I didn't expect. He expresses a tinge of remorse about killing his brother Renly.
"This war will last for years, thousands will die at your command, you will betray the men serving you, you will betray your family, you will betray everything you once held dear," Melisandre says.
If I'm Stannis, I'm now thinking: Might you have mentioned all that earlier?
She swears he will be king, though, and shows him some future in the flames. Whatever he sees, by his expression we assume it's awesome and terrible.
Winterfell: The castle is surrounded by 500 of Stark's bannermen. Theon is annoyed his enemies keep blowing a horn. It's a practice still used in sieges to this day, though we have more creative types of noisemakers now (during the 1993 stand-off at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, the government blasted rock music for hours on end).
"Thank you wise bald man for explaining siege tactics to me," self-pitying Theon snaps at Maester Luwin. "Know what it's like to be told how lucky you are to be someone's prisoner?"
Luwin gives him some advice: Run, escape through the castle's tunnels, join the Night's Watch.
Like Stannis, Theon expresses regret at the things he's done this season."You're not the man you're pretending to be," Luwin says.
Theon decides to fight. He chooses to die in a blaze of glory rather than scurry away. He rallies his 20 men. For the first time, he manages a speech that doesn't sound idiotic. Grandiose and over the top? Sure, but coherent and filled with passion.
Theon gives his crazy-eyes killer battle cry and —
NEXT: A betrayer betrayed; Tyrion's new face revealed