Hi doctor, thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice.
I know it's been years since I've been here, but I'm really disturbed. Do you watch HBO's Game of Thrones? ... Not your sort of thing? TNT's Rizzoli & Isles, really? No-no, that's cool, I just never met anybody who actually watches that show. Anyway, I'm a huge Thrones fan and I'm haunted by last week's episode. I keep seeing Talisa getting womb-shanked, and then remembering her nakedly telling Robb "attack-attack!" a few episodes back. And Robb's poor direwolf, whining in fear while trapped in his cage, knowing what's going to happen somehow. And Roose Bolton, that asshat. He was giving terrified Catelyn that smarmy look when she was realizing Frey's betrayal. It all keeps hitting me over and over ... like last night I was at this bar, right? And when somebody left and the front door swung closed behind them I started hearing "The Rains of Castamere" in my head. Please Doc, by the old gods and the new, you gotta help me. I must get over The Red Wedding!
Thankfully, my doctor had seen plenty of patients with this exact same problem since last Sunday and knew how to handle it. He diagnosed me with Post-Red Wedding Stress Disorder (or PRWSD) and said my only hope was to return to the land of Westeros one more time this year to face my trauma. He explained that such a horrific event befalling the King in the North will doubtless be grieved by many surviving characters on the show and that watching their reactions might help me process this tragedy. He also prescribed watching six episodes of Rizzoli & Isles and Royal Pains this summer, but I'm wary because possible side effects include boredom and jaundice.
So let's dive into this hopefully therapeutic third season finale, "Mhysa." At the end of this recap I'll present my best and worst list for Thrones season three and make a special recap announcement. We must approach this hour cautiously, though. I don't think Thrones would hurt us again so soon. Usually when Thrones beats us up, the next week it comes back around with flowers and hugs and tries to act like everything is going to be okay (Hey, look, see the dragons? You like dragons!). But you never know. Our hearts are getting harder, just like Arya's. Speaking of...
The Twins: Roose Bolton overlooks the violence and mayhem as Robb Stark's army is slaughtered. The Hound is slowing riding out with Arya, not wanting to appear suspicious. A group of Frey's men are chanting "King in the North." They have Robb's body, propped up with his direwolf Grey Wind's head sewn on him. For a moment I'm hoping he'll get reanimated and become Grey Robb -- part-man, part-direwolf, The Canine in the North! But no. He's just dead and mutilated. The Hound rides out.
King's Landing: Like Arya, Tyrion is keeping an enemies list. Unlike Arya, he's only scheming of ways to make their lives less comfortable. He walks with Sansa, and it seems like the two have struck up a least a friendship, of sorts, they're both outcasts in their own way, "the disgraced daughter and the demon monkey." Sansa shares a prank involving stuffing a bed with poop that she learned from Arya. She's slightly happy. That won't last long.
NEXT: Tywin manages to morally justify The Red Wedding