Before recapping this week's episode, we're going to spend this entire page and then some on how Dexter resolved last week's big cliffhanger. Because Dexter fans got robbed.
Hannah McKay made her dramatic return last week, poisoning Dexter and Debra into unconsciousness in the show's final minute. Muahhaaha! What a cliffhanger! So what happened next? Did she kill them? Torture them? Put them into a cube maze with each room having a nefarious trap? Write hilarious things on their faces? No. She did none of that. She left Debra alone. And she took Dexter and ... moved him to another location. Left him on the side of the road, to be exact...
[Cue EW recap crickets].
Wow. That's really ... wow. How ... mildly annoying of her! That's like, kind of inconvenient! Surprised she didn't leave him with cab fare while she was at it. I mean she ... leaves him on the side of the road? Maybe next time he'll wake up and find himself in a movie theater, or perhaps in a spa getting an overly aggressive deep-tissue massage.
THIS move, more than anything else this season, annoyed me. It's worse than Dexter setting up a kill room at the Miami airport last season. It's also more egregious than the previous cliffhanger fake-out -- where Deb crashed Dexter's car and nearly drowned him. At least that ending resulted in an compelling argument and Deb moving beyond her anger at the top of the next episode. The post-accident fall-out wasn't realistic, but it served a purpose.
This cliffhanger included the return of a major character successfully capturing our heroes. It should ideally have resulted in three things: Hannah's actions should make sense, have consequences and provoke at least one interesting scene. Or two of those things. Or how about one? ... No? No.
You get the feeling the only reason the poisoning occurred is because the writers needed a cliffhanger and fun entrance for Yvonne to get everybody interested ... then scribbled themselves out of the corner as dully and incoherently as possible. Hannah drugging Dexter and Debra had no impact on the rest of the story other than alert them to her presence -- "We'll just give Hannah a line about being conflicted and changing her mind or something -- women do that!"
But even THAT weak reasoning doesn't make sense. Because Hannah also says her motivation was to convince Dexter to kill her new rich lover. So why go through the motions of drugging Dex and his sister and messing with them if she's there to ask him for his help?
And --- one more time -- even THAT doesn't make any sense! Because if there's one thing -- ONE THING -- that we as an audience know about this character, Hannah McKay, is that she ruthlessly and capably kills men who mess with her and she gets away with it. Why-why-why would she suddenly need Dexter's help for that? My God, they're traveling on a boat! You're telling me this smart, sexy, deadly serial killer can't figure out a way to dispose of some rich jerk while crossing the Atlantic ocean with him on a yacht? Average travelers manage to get away with shoving their spouses off cruise ships all the time! It's sure a lot easier than drugging murderous Dexter and his ex-cop sister and dragging his body to the side of the road on the other side of town for no reason!
[Recapper hyperventilates, breathes in bag...]
Ahem. Okay. Back to an indoor voice.
NEXT: 'Dexter' vs. 'Breaking Bad': Unfair comparison?