'Desperate Housewives' recap: Zach Attack

Do you remember when Desperate Housewives really hit the skids this season? Yeah, that was last night, when three of the show’s major storylines—Gaby’s freaky doll obsession; Lynette’s silly, fifth-grade-esque revenge on Tom; and Susan’s find-me-a-kidney supposed tear-jerker—all went into a tailspin at the exact same time. Thankfully, it wasn't for too long. Somehow, the show managed to pull it together and semi-salvage two of the three storylines by the end of the episode.

Before we get to the saved storylines, let’s start with the one that fell the most flat during the hour: Gaby’s. I’m not even sure what we’re supposed to do with this storyline besides just feel awful for Gaby and, by proxy, Eva Longoria. And my feelings aren't a feel-so-bad-it’s-good kind of way—the whole thing is more sad than anything. Gaby has, in essence, transferred her feelings about the loss of her switched-at-birth daughter Grace to a doll that she’s named Princess Valerie. Ummm, am I the only who thinks that is all a tad crazy? Just reread that line: "Gaby has, in essence, transferred her feelings about the loss of her switched-at-birth daughter Grace to a doll that she's named Princess Valerie." Unfortunate! I’m being generous by only calling it a “tad” crazy. Because it’s actually a whole big ol’ heaping serving of crazy. Let’s just hope that when Gaby put Princess Valerie to bed in that box stashed in her closet that this wacky storyline was also put to bed. Honestly, it can’t really go much further, can it?

Like I said before, Lynette and Susan’s storylines—while also insane like Gaby’s—managed to come together as somewhat meaningful by the end of their run through the episode. In Lynette’s case, the way she acted about Tom’s indiscretion from 20 years ago at first was mind numbing. Really? After serving him super-hot hot chocolate last week, you’re still doing things like making his pants split down the back and causing him to slip down the stairs? I thought Lynette was a little bit more mature than a 10-year-old! Adults deal with their problems by talking about them. I suppose, however, maybe it’s not as interesting as pouring a bunch of salt in someone’s tea and watching them spit it all out.

And I suppose I do get Lynette’s justification for such immature actions. “I’m not ready to get over it,” she explained to Renee, after she noticed Lynette’s revenge tactics. “I have a lot of anger to work through before we sweep this under the carpet and move on.” That makes sense: Lynette just didn’t want Tom to be able to apologize for sleeping with Renee and then move on. She wanted him to pay! It’s a weird form of therapy, what she was doing, that’s for dang sure. By the end of the hour, though, Renee revealed to Tom what was going on, and the pair worked it out, of course. “I hope you can forgive me for this,” Tom pleaded before Lynette finally caved. “It would be a shame, a shame if some meaningless encounter 20 years ago ruined this life we’ve built together.” The Scavos always get me with their whole we’re-a-cute-couple-with-a-sweet-family-who-actually-seem-to-love-each-other thing.

NEXT: Susan's mom Sophie (played by the lovely Lesley Ann Warren) returns!

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