'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Instant Classics

Kurt Warner and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya: 24/30 + 24/30 = 48/60 Kurt Warner has a ton of beautiful children and one of them has a mohawk. That's it. He should win. But the judges aren't so convinced. Kurt's first-round dance, a waltz set to The Eagles' "Take It to the Limit," gave the judges a great chance to remind him that he wasn't as good as everyone else. It was Bruno vs. Carrie Ann all over again in an epic battle of backhanded compliments. Bruno: "Obviously we can see that people are better than you, but you're trying to do it." Encouraging! And Carrie Ann: "You're not quite at the same level, but what's so endearing is I see your effort with every move you make." Ooh, such a close call! I'm gonna give this one to Carrie Ann because she also went ahead and likened the stately Kurt to "a Ken doll for mature people like me." Whatever the hell that means!

As Kurt and Anna trained for the instant cha cha cha, Kurt's beautiful children stopped by the studio to give him helpful tips (my favorites: "You need some musicality" and "Keep dancing") and higher scores than he will ever see from the judges. (Well, except for that little DNCMSTR-in-training over on the left end, who low-balled him with a 7/"Seh-vehhhhhhhn!") The instant dance was easily the best Kurt has ever performed -- he had a never-before-seen ease about him, fun facial expressions, and...were you even ready for this? I wasn't!...FRINGED PANTS. Sneaky fringed pants, too -- I didn't even realize there was fringe in the vast blackness of his lower half until I paused the dance during the end-of-show recap! Clearly, fringe was the secret ingredient to what Carrie Ann classified as "a very interesting new sex appeal"...before quickly acknowledging Kurt's wife in the audience. "That's right, she saw it! Two snaps up!" I swear, I've been recapping this show for 11 seasons and sometimes even I can't believe the lunacy embedded in all that I type. "You're becoming a dancer!" gasped Anna while adorably patting her heart. It's about time! But seriously, what does this guy have to do to get a 9? (Change his identity.)

Teen Activist Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas: 24/30 + 23/30 = 47/60 Bristol's first-round Argentine tango was her "most intense" performance, said Carrie Ann. I suppose I can't argue with that...but it was still so...nothing! Would it kill Bristol to flex her knees a little, infuse some energy into her transitions, or care at all about improving on mediocrity? Basically, would it kill her to try? It might. The dance actually looked nice and artistic at times, but then they'd zoom in and I'd get mad that Bristol's feet were just barely waving around Mark's calves, not flicking violently like I knew they should. It was a full-on Monet, like in Clueless: "From far away, it's okay, but up close, it's a big old mess!" I'm disappointed because I think Bristol possesses the tools to be so much better. She simply can't be bothered. It didn't help that Mark was going for a straitjacket-chic aesthetic with that odd black sweatshirt.

Bristol, arguably the worst dancer left, received the most difficult of the instant dances: samba. Her hot pink tiered fringe did great! She did okay. I'm being generous. All I saw Bristol do was walk around and occasionally shimmy. Bruno became repeatedly thrilled that she'd at least perfected "the pencil sharpener." Mark accepted "the blame" for whatever went wrong, but I don't know that I could point out where exactly that happened even if a sparkly, legally purchased shotgun was pointed at my glitter-drenched eyelids. (I like to get dolled up for the performance episodes.) It was just a mess.

'Til tomorrow, DNCMSTRs -- who do you think will head home tonight? Discuss the week 8 performances in the comments, and nominate your Hidden Gems of the Week before 2 p.m. ET over at PopWatch.

Read more:
Derek Hough on Week 8 stress and the dangers of guyliner
‘DWTS’: Your Hidden Gems of Week 7!
Week 7's Crazy Costume Watch: Who wore it better?
EW.com’s ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Central

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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