'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Instant Classics

On week 8 of Dancing With the Stars, each of the five remaining contestants danced a classic ballroom round and a sure-to-be-disastrous INSTANT DANCE ROUND -- the point of which, according to Carrie Ann, was to "fool us into thinking you know what you're doing." (This is also the point of the whole series.) But -- excluding the Maks factor, which I'll get to below -- the instant round went swimmingly! They just reached into the red-velvet mirrorbowl for their pre-selected mystery songs, picked up the beat, and went with it! Easy breezy! Unless you were Bristol or Brandy.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!

Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 29/30 + 28/30 = 57/60 Maks' white pants danced a lovely waltz during the first round. Oh, Brandy was involved, too? My apologies. I liked how the costumers basically turned Brandy's boobs into enormous bubbles, knowing that partner's bottom-bubbles would threaten to distract us from the Star. What's hilarious is that their rehearsal footage actually involved a helpful comparison -- with helpful visual aids from Maks -- of the performance capacities of each of their butts! Girl, you know that's a battle you are not going to win. Trying to win a butt battle against Maks would be almost as ludicrous as pretending you've never heard of "Teenage Dream" and Katy Perry! (I'm just jealous.) Carrie Ann thwarted a perfect 30 by knocking off a point due to a nitpick about Brandy's neck.

Maks thought it would be okay to spend "four 8s" (according to Carrie Ann) of their instant cha cha cha messin' about on the platform -- he even admitted during rehearsal footage that he was approaching the choreography as if it were the Week 6 marathon. Dance, lather, rinse, repeat 1.5 times or as necessary. I didn't see much repetition in their actual dance; just big gaps at the beginning and end. Carrie Ann freaked! "Kurt did much more dancing than you -- he got right on the first beat," she said. "Relax, don't worry about it," snapped Maks. (???) "Let's get a 7, then." (!!!) The way I'm telling this in any sort of order is entirely inaccurate because for about 30 seconds, Maks and Carrie Ann were just talking right over each other. I haven't witnessed anything so dramatic and rude on ABC since Sunday's Brothers & Sisters! Carrie Ann's point was that Maks' choreography, not Brandy's dancing, was what insulted her. Is this even fair? I can see both sides, but I also think both of them overreacted. Emotions run high on Planet Mirrorballus. Understandable, considering the unique otherworldly atmosphere that is roughly 80 percent pure shimmer.

Of course Carrie Ann gave them a 9 anyway, so the whole episode could have been a non-issue. But then Maks went on a long-winded tirade on behalf of all the other pros as Brandy cringed! While visions of disappearing viewer-votes danced in her head. / And Brooke in her kerchief, and Under-Enthusiastic Bongo Gentleman in his baseball cap, / Had just settled their brains for a long winter's nap....

No matter where you fall on the Carrie Ann vs. Maks spectrum, I think we can all agree that the real question up for debate here is: Are royal blue Hammer pants with thigh cutouts appropriate, even in a televised-ballroom setting? Discuss.

NEXT: Can Jennifer go all Lion King and "feel the love tonight"?

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