'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Divine Secret of the Cha Cha Sisterhood

Monday night kicked off Dancing With the Stars' 200th-episode celebration...liiiiiiiiiive! I have no idea what in Pretty Woman hell Brooke was wearing, but let's move on. All of Our Pros (except Lady E. Legwarmer and her husband Alec, sniff) returned to Planet Mirrorballus for an opening number set to Beyoncé's "Crazy In Love" -- a perfect audio representation of how we fans feel about our favorite sparkly hot mess of a reality series. Every week, the first line of my Monday notes is "Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no..." Really! Without fail! Like the disembodied British voice's pronunciation of ''Tre-BUN-skaya''! (For a more visual, lower-concept representation of DWTS, click here.) But of course it wasn't really a 200th-episode celebration until.....

....The Iron Chefs came out! Season 6 winner Kristi Yamaguchi and season 4 winner Apolo Ohno, "who also happen to be gold medalists," stomped onstage dressed in all black, in a dramatic, dungeon-like setting fit for the Food Network. All of last night's guests looked like Iron Chef Americas (Chefs America?) and their formidable challengers, making the absence of season 9's Mark Dacascos even more tragic and glaring than it already was. I'd like to have seen Dacascos introduce guest judges Gilles Marini, Emmitt Smith, Kelly Osbourne, Drew Lachey, Helio Castroneves, and Mel B with his special flair. ("Tonight's secret ingredient is....BANANA!")

Kristi and Apolo definitely didn't need to even be involved, which made their captainships even more enjoyable for me. Each checked in on his or her team once. Apolo even selected his team members via video chat! It was all ridiculous and therefore totally appropriate for Dancing With the Stars' big 2-0-0. From the beginning, it was pretty obvious that with Brandy and Jennifer (not to mention Maks and Derek) on the same team, Apolo had the edge. Team Soul Patch earned straight 9s for a cha cha cha based on Apolo and Julianne's "Bust a Move" freestyle, while Team Kristi (Rick, Kyle, Bristol) earned straight 8s for their Michael Jackson-inspired cha cha cha. As for the individual dances...

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!

Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 27/30 + 37/40 = 64/70 Round 2 was all about "re-interpreting an iconic dance as judged by the star who made it famous," so Brandy and Maks tackled Gilles Marini and Cheryl's sultry "Fever" foxtrot from season 8. The judges detected a mistake I completely missed, but Len didn't even take off a point! Huh?! The reinterpretation succeeded -- Brandy's gown was an amazing inside-out version (red with leopard lining) of Cheryl's, and I thought her height really worked for her during the side-by-side footwork. She and Maks moved together with such sexy fervor that Jamie Lee Curtis had to recoil in the front row. Back off, Jamie Lee! Maks' hand sliding up Brandy's skirt at the end of the dance was the stuff that viewers' fantasies are made of, but I also loved the way he blossomed out her skirt during the final "What a lovely way to burn" to create the illusion of a fiery flower. Alas, Brandy and Bristol were the only Stars to receive earth-shattering 9s from their Iconic Stars. The horror!

NEXT: Derek says something shocking (and 100 percent true) to Jennifer; Rick does...the horizontal mambo?

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