Danica McKellar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 32/40 Julianne Hough wanted to make a statement with something other than the screaming metallic jigsaw puzzle piece clawing at her neck, so she told Maks, "I felt like this week you just had to phone it in so you could be back with Meryl." Whoa! Hold up! Actually, I don't really care about Julianne's bitchy comment -- have we ever seen Maks wear black spandex tights during rehearsals?! Because that was the moment in their segment that really stood out to me.
Anyway, I didn't get the sense that Maks phoned it in from the dance itself because a) apparently the music people effed up again, so the whole thing could've been thrown off by that, and b) especially after Danica removed her skirt to dance the rest of the number in Just a Bathing Suit (a DWTS costuming favorite!), she and Maks looked ridiculously amazing together. I'm sorry to have to say this, especially during my last EW column, but the two of them seamlessly blended into one perfect black-and-white bubble butt.
Cody Simpson and Sharna Burgess: 31/40 It turned out Cody preferred his original partner Witney too -- those harshly aging taskmasters Sharna and Cheryl (who are both still way younger than you) just can't catch a break! But Cody and Sharna's shared Aussie spirit and his willingness to pick up tough choreography made their bridal-themed foxtrot very enjoyable. What I found really enjoyable, though, was that Bruno told Cody, "You still don't quite control your length of bone." LENGTH OF BONE.
And talk about Maks phoning it in -- do you think Sharna was sabotaging Cody when she suggested he sing at the beginning of their number? (I'm kidding!) (Am I?)
Sharna is my hero:
"I don't wanna see these pants in rehearsal for the rest of the week."
Candace Cameron Bure and Tony Dovolani: 28/40 Tony really went all out on this "Ballroom Blitz" quickstep -- butt chains, back-pocket bandana (is Tony secretly a member of the Red Feathers from Troop Beverly Hills? very disappointing), red spray-painted hair, the works. He was all about developing the character of the dance, Candace explained, whereas her original partner Mark tended to focus on footwork first. She could use the footwork lessons more, it turns out. Bruno called her quickstepping "manic" and Julianne and Carrie Ann pointed out the extra "gapping" between the two perfect strangers. Rude! Don't they remember that Candace needs to leave a little room for God?
The dancers' total scores are below -- next week, one of the original couples will be eliminated once the viewer votes and these combined scores have been tallied….
A parting thought: Do you ever wish you could randomly call out, "Honey, wait....."
And this would happen?
LAST: EW.com's Fringe Fairy signs off