Wait, first: What's with the weird zoom-ins on the judges during the dances? Here's Len Goodman, a phantom hand, and some scary cobwebs pointing at Jack Osbourne during his paso doble with Cheryl. Spooky!
I get that Jack and Cheryl were moving "menacingly" over to the judges' table, and of course, it's almost Halloween. But showing us just the dance would be fine. Len sort of looks like he belongs on some sort of Dancing With the Stars currency (giant sequin? piece of confetti? the medallion at the center of Brooke's dress?) with this stern expression. Or at the very least, an "I want YOU! To quit messin' about" recruitment poster for the Sparkalien army.
Back to business.
Elizabeth Berkley Lauren and Val Chmerkovskiy: 30/30 + 2 = 32 total Val plus a partner must not be getting enough votes; how else to explain their inflated scores for the cha cha cha? It was good and all, but I wouldn't necessarily remember it as FIRST PERFECT 30 OF THE SEASON-worthy.
I know I was supposed to focus on Elizabeth shedding her association to Showgirls (though even talking about it probably reminded a bunch of people to re-watch the collectible VIP Edition DVD they already own) and reprogramming herself as an empowered new mom, but I couldn't help but notice the way Val's open shirt and nude strip of material on his arm reminded me of something….
Costuming coincidence? I think not.
Amber Riley and Derek Hough: 28/30 + 4 = 32 total Len's crazy scoring issues with Derek continue -- he found tonight's samba choreography repetitive (ironically, Derek had thrown in all those boring technical sequences just for Len) so he scored Amber an 8 -- two points they predictably gained back during the Switch Up Dance Challenge. Seems like a lot of manufactured drama to me. This was not Amber's best dance; the two 10s from Bruno and Carrie Ann seemed absurd. Is it weird that I disliked this dance in large part due to Amber's unflattering fringed costume? Hey, if Len can complain about stuff Amber has no control over….
NEXT: I dare you to use either "Brant Daugherty" or "Christina Milian" in a sentence